I suppose it is also "normal" to struggle off and on with a fear that the cancer will return in another part of my body.  Having cancer described as "Advanced Breast Cancer" strikes fear in me pretty quickly. Three women who were receiving treatment at the same time I was receiving treatment have recently learned their cancer either did not respond to the treatment or has returned.  Each time I hear this type of information, it gives me a spike of fear!  

 

Today I was reading in I Kings 17 about the widow of Zarephath.  It really spoke to me about my own fears and challenged me to trust the Lord each time I become aware of my fears. God sent Elijah to this widow, telling him this widow would have food for him. She was down to the last meal for her and her son when Elijah encountered her gathering sticks around the city gate. He saw her and asked for a cup of water, and a bite of bread. She explained she and her son only had a small handful of flour and oil left, and she anticipated after that they would die. Elijah asked her to cook the bread for all three of them, and prophesied the Lord said she would have flour and oil until the draught ended. She acted in faith (what did she have to lose?) and the flour and oil didn't run out--there was always a little more to prepare their meals. What an incredible miracle!  Apparently, she had a small room on the rooftop, and Elijah stayed there.  During the time Elijah lived there "sometime later" the scripture says, her son became sick and died. I Kings 17:8 records her response: "O man of God, what have you done to me? Have you come here to punish my sins by killing my son?" Verses 9-12 tell us Elijah carried the son upstairs to his room, stretched himself out on the boy 3 times and cried out to the Lord to please let the child's life return to him--which God granted. Elijah brought the son down and said to the mother, "Look, your son is alive." Verse 21 "Then the woman told Elijah, 'Now I know for sure that you are a man of God, and that Lord truly speaks through you."

It isn't the miracle of healing that caught my eye in this account, but more so the struggle of faith the widow had. God had provided--in a miraculous way--food for the mom, son, and Elijah for months.  But she still had doubts. She blamed Elijah and God for the boy's death. Her trust was still based on the good things she received from God through Elijah--not of the goodness of God Himself.

This story caught my attention this morning because I still find myself struggling (at times) to trust God and His goodness--no matter what He allows regarding any return of cancer. It is easy for me to say I trust God, and to proclaim I believe he is good. But that proclamation is usually based on my evaluation of what is good and what is not.  Even though I have seen God do many "good" things in the midst of my having cancer, and during the treatment for cancer, it is still a fearful thing to consider the possibility of cancer returning. So each time I feel pains in strange places, there is a huge temptation to be fearful about the cancer not really being gone. Even though the oncologist told me many of the pains I feel are common after surgery, when I feel something strange, the fear follows right behind it. It is not that I think it is wrong to feel fear--but I also believe once I'm aware of it, I need to remember and proclaim to myself who God is, and that He is good. I can trust Him--no matter what He allows or doesn't allow. Clearly, if I become aware of some other type of pain the oncologist mentioned might be a symptom to be checked, I would need to inform her. But these pesky pains and areas of tenderness I am experiencing that are commonly a result of the type of surgery I had--I need to leave those in God's hands. I don't want to be like the widow from Zarephath--not really trusting God. I want to find that balance between being wise to recognize a symptom I need to ask about, and trusting God with my future. 

It makes me smile to myself when I realize how many ways God has used this experience to stretch my faith in Him. It really hasn't been so much about physical pain and fear of more pain, as it has been about a loss of hopes and dreams of things I want to accomplish. But these are all opportunities He has placed before me--and the truth is, I can trust Him to accomplish what He desires, when and how He desires. My part maybe only to plant the seeds or jump-start the process. God is not dependent on me to do His work. He is good! And I (we) can always trust Him!