On this day, April 1, 2020, exactly one year ago I received my first dose of chemotherapy.  Not even 48 hours later on April 3rd, I stood at the edge of the valley of death not sure I would have an opportunity to live or share the words that God has put on my heart to share today.  Today, exactly one year later, I completed my final infusion of the drugs that were needed to treat my type of breast cancer.  I really did not expect to be all in my feelings today, but I am. I promise, I won’t always be “the cancer patient,” but, the fact is for the past 365 days it has been a defining part of my life and while I would not ever choose the journey for myself, I praise God for the opportunity to use this time and this experience to serve as a vessel to glorify Him. God is good ALL the time! He has never left me.  He has been the one constant in the most physically, mentally and spiritually challenging year of my life.

I haven’t written in quite some time, because the truth is, once my chemo ended in October (those were the drugs that made me feel REALLY bad), I went into a very deep, very dark depression.  Of all of the “unexpected” components of this journey, none of which went according to “the plan,” the depression was perhaps the greatest obstacle.   It truly blindsided me.  As many of you know, my anchor verse for 2020, even prior to diagnosis was James 1:2-3 “Consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters when you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”  When I completed the milestone of completing chemotherapy I had an expectation that I would be overwhelmed with JOY, but I wasn’t.  Thankful? Yes! Grateful? Absolutely! But joyful?  No... not even close.  Once Chemo ended and I was no longer fixated on the goal of just “getting to the next” treatment, the Enemy seized the opportunity to use my idle mind as a playground and fear and anxiety consumed me for about the next three or so months.  It was almost  paralyzing mentally and physically.  Each day I had to remind myself of the chemical changes that my body was enduring and the physical changes that prevented me from doing the things I longed to be able to do.  I just couldn’t seem to give myself the same grace that God has always so freely given to me.  I was disappointed in myself and discouraged that I couldn’t find the JOY in the new lease on life that I had prayed for. I was also ashamed to share that publicly for fear that it would somehow nullify or undermine my testimony (total lies from the Enemy).  Intellectually and spiritually I knew that none of these feelings were from God....fear, anxiety, disappointment, depression or despair, but I just couldn’t reconcile my feelings.  Thankfully, I spoke to my team of doctors about it and they prescribed me some medication to assist with the depression....NEVER be ashamed to ask for this help!

BUT THEN, I joined a wonderful women’s Bible study.  Each time I was able to attend, I was encouraged by the message. I was encouraged by the vulnerability and the courage of each unique person in the group.  I began to feel revitalized as I began to dive deeper into the scripture with the group and on my own.  After all, it is God’s word speaking directly to us.  It is the one and ONLY truth that is given to us in this dark and broken world.  Often throughout the week, the ladies in the group will reach out individually or to the group to provide scripture and words of encouragement to one another. One week, a friend reached out to me to share some commentary from 1 Kings regarding the story of Elijah.  She said it reminded her of me and what I had shared at Bible study that day.  Not having really studied much of the Old Testament, I was unfamiliar, yet intrigued.  Over the course of the next couple of weeks, I received similar messages from several people, through devotionals and even through IG, ALL revolving around Elijah.  I’d guess in two weeks time the message was brought to me no less than 8-10 times.... I hear ya, God 😉‼️ Clearly, I was being called to study Elijah. 

As luck would have it, right around the same time, Priscilla Shirer, one of my favorite Christian authors/speaker released a study on .... drumroll... Elijah!!!!  She said it took her 7 years to write it 😳🙌🏻!  I am still in the middle of the study, taking my time and trying to soak it all in, but I want to share what I have learned with you in hopes that it may encourage you.  

Elijah, whose name means Yahweh is my God, experienced the depths of fatigue and discouragement after his two great spiritual victories: the defeat of the prophets of Baal and the answered prayer for rain.  Often discouragement sets in after great spiritual experiences, especially those requiring physical effort or involving great emotion.  To lead him out of depression, God first let Elijah rest and eat.  Then God confronted him with the need to return to his mission - to speak God’s words in Israel. When you feel let down after a great spiritual experience, remember that God’s purpose for your life is not yet over. 

Friends, I I take great comfort in knowing that even the great prophets like Elijah experienced wilderness moments....seasons of uncertainty, anxiety, fear and even depression.  What a blessing that God also gives us those moments of “time out” so that we can rest...spiritually, mentally and physically.  Even greater than that, as we sit on the Eve of Good Friday, I take ULTIMATE comfort in knowing that Jesus, loved me and you so so so very much that He came and walked this Earth and felt all of these same emotions, the joys of the mountaintop moments and the feelings of sadness and despair as he hung on the cross.  Jesus, my friend, he understands YOU.  He is with you. He will never leave you....even (and especially) in the times that feel like you are wandering in the wilderness or deep in the valley unsure if you will ever see the mountaintop again.  Never stop praying, never stop asking friends to intercede and join you in prayer.  Never stop praising, even when it hurts and never stop believing that God has a purpose for you, even in the painful and dark times of this fragile yet beautiful gift called life.

As for my personal story,  I continue to gain strength physically, mentally and spiritually each day.  I ask that you continue to keep me and my family in your prayers as we prepare for what I hope will be the final leg in this journey...a surgery in May or June.  

This will likely be my last time sharing about my cancer journey via Caringbridge.  There are no words to thank you for the love, the prayers, the support and the hope you have given me and my family.  You truly are the body of Christ.  And, while I say this will likely be my last time discussing my illness, I can assure you that this will be far from the last time I share with you about my faith journey.  The best is yet to come......Sharing the love of Jesus Christ is the most humbling and greatest blessing I will ever know.  As you prepare your hearts for Easter, remember, the greatest love story to ever unfold was paid for by the One who gave it all so that you and I can experience the JOY of life everlasting ❤️🙏🏻✝️