[Unexpected Places of Joys, in the First of the Firsts]

May 16, 2022, marked the first of the unexpected findings of a massive tumor, located in the occipital lobe of Justin’s brain; the cancer had metastasized to two organs & one being the most essential. One of the “first” notifications on my phone this morning was three photos of me sitting in the holding room of the ER, (masked because of covid policies) while anxiously awaiting results from the MRI, trying to determine why Justin was experiencing excruciating pain in his head. Photo two was a shot of the unexpected results on the computer screen. Lastly, I snapped a photo of the tissue box that read, “Just laugh a little”. I remember thinking, “Just laugh a little, is this some kind of crud joke because all I have is tears, confusion & unanswered questions?!.” 

This “first” notification of the day, prompted me to reflect on the last month—we have made it a little past the mark of the first month without Justin & within the last month, we have experienced some BIG firsts. First Easter without Justin, first time celebrating Levi’s birthday without Justin, first trip to Colorado & first big trip without Justin, first time hanging out at one of our close friend’s house without Justin & just a few days ago, we celebrated my first Mother’s Day without Justin. If you would have asked me two months ago, if I thought I’d be able to walk through the “firsts” & hold both joy & sorrow simultaneously, my answer probably would have been, “No way!” It is by God’s grace my “first” response was incorrect. 

Navigating grief doesn’t come with a map to follow, however, it does lend itself to leaning into the hands of our Maker & allowing Him to be our refuge and strength. Grief has challenged my heart & soul to look back & see all the ways God has connected the dots. God has prepared His servants, “for such a time as this” to minister to the hearts of Luke, Levi & myself & intertwine joy & grief. I can look back & see how God has built specific relationships over the last decade & how He has intentionally brought these precious souls alongside of our family, to take us under their wings & make us feel like family. 

This past Sunday (Mother’s Day), our dear friends invited us over before church for a Mother’s Day breakfast. It was just what my soul & the souls of my two little loves needed. We all felt at home & felt God’s love radiate throughout the entire fellowship. It was our first time not having Justin prepare a Mother’s Day breakfast, however, it was refreshing to share this day with another special mama & “an uncle” who has so graciously stepped in without any hesitation, to lead Luke (& Levi) through uncharted waters, while pointing them both to Christ. Luke bonded with this “uncle” early on, as a little dude. Now, it is evident as to why God has been in the works of growing this special relationship. God is so good that even in the heartache of our circumstances, He is connecting both of our families in ways we never could have imagined or even known would be needed. 

Mother’s Day continued as we worshiped with our dear friends at  church & later in the Day celebrated my mom, grandma and sister in-law at my brother’s house. My brother, who gifted us the trip to Colorado, along with him & his wife & my sweet niece, reminisced of the new memories we made on our first trip without Justin. We made sure to include Justin—sharing stories “If Justin was there he would have…” Although, the day shifted in emotions, many moments, it was the most beautiful “first Mother’s Day without Justin”, that I didn’t think was possible. 

 God has provided unexpected JOY in the unexpected firsts. Grief has not left & isn’t leaving anytime soon. The days have been exhausting: physically, mentally & emotionally. We miss Justin fiercely. Nighttime, is especially hard for all three of us. However, we are walking through the unexpected in unexpected ways, made possible only by God’s supernatural strength & peace, morning by morning, through new mercies & grace. 

We are ever so grateful for your continued prayers as we walk through all the firsts this year. 

We love all of you!  

Michelle, Luke & Levi 

A Liturgy for the Hardship of Holidays & Special Days-Every Moment Holy

There are days I am okay, O Lord, and other days I wake and cannot bear to face what awaits; for there are certain days that were once a source of warmth and celebration, of fellowship and life:

birthdays,

holidays, 

milestones, 

anniversaries. 

Those calendar squares—once colored by the light of bright expectation—now hold an inverse ache of their former delight. 

Even as I am learning again to take the forward movement of daily life in stride, sometimes these special days arrive and jar me from my new-found rhythm. Past and present overlap: heart and memory feel displaced in time. 

Hold me close, O Christ, and show me your face even in this place of lingering loss; even in this season that has become a receptacle of past sorrows.

Amidst my weeping, let sweet memories resurface, buoyed by deeper joys no sorrow can suppress. Let me draw upon this day’s former delights, so that old happiness and heartbreak are laced and intertwined with new hope, and fellowship, and beauty. 

Lead me, O Lord, through this layered confusion of celebration and lament, of things present, and things past. Let me make this day a new thing. 

Let me learn again how your grace will be always sufficient to my need; your comfort sufficient to my sorrow; your presence sufficient to my loss. 

Now lead me, carry me and walk beside me, through today and the days to come, O Christ, shepherd of my sorrows.

In unexpected places, let me find joy. 

Amen

“The Lord is My Rock & My Fortress & My Deliverer, My God, My Rock, in Whom I take Refuge, My Shield, & The Horn of my Salvation, My Stronghold.” -Psalm 18:2