I had managed to eke out another few months on my latest clinical trial despite tiny bits of growth this spring and summer. The verdict is in for my latest scan, too much growth to keep going on the current chemo so time to change it up. I will forever be grateful for the 16 months of relative health this clinical trial gave me. The fact that I managed to recover from liver failure and enjoy life (despite the pandemic!) will always amaze me. I am sad and a little scared about changing treatment, but in the words of Mary Oliver, "Keep some room in your heart for the unimaginable". I am still waiting for a decision about what medication I will begin... so that translates into some extra time without chemo in my system! Usually by the time I'm feeling better, after my week off, it's time for my next appointment. I've been cooking more, going to pilates and taking long walks in the park 🙌  Life is so much easier to enjoy when I feel healthy. Although my scan was disappointing, it was not unexpected. I can usually tell when there's some growth and I've been having frequent nausea (my enlarged liver starts to push on my stomach) and a heavy, dense feeling in my liver with some tenderness. 

I remember starting nursing school in the early 90s and thinking I would never get treatment for stage 4 cancer. The rollercoaster of emotions and constant physical issues with no cure. I thought would never put my body and my family through that. Ha! The wisdom of youth. Turns out, there's also a lot I will put myself through (and smile while I'm doing it) to be here with all of you.