I'm feeling like there's just not enough time for me to do or discover things in this life.  The days seem to fly by anymore.  I hope that my children get to live a fulfilling life.  I've never been truly happy with myself or anyone or this life until one day a little over 2 years ago.  I was going down quickly with my RA.  I pushed through work so I could get the insurance I needed to see a Rheumatologist.  But at home after work I would cry most every night and lay in bed because my body was full of so much inflammation.  I got to where I couldn't brush my hair, tie my shoes, or turn doorknobs, and even drive.  I had fallen deeply in love with a man in a way I hadn't felt before, but it wasn't meant to be.  I couldn't be the active person I'd always been.  I couldn't do things for my children that a mother does.  I tried to hide it from everyone.  I didn't feel like a woman anymore.  I had let myself go because I just couldn't move my body right anymore.  I felt everyone would be better off without me.  I was weak, sick, hungry and brokenhearted.  I felt like I would die.  I was ready to go home.
    I wasn't brought up with Religion or around many other people or children my age.  I was somewhat isolated.  So I became shy, unsure, and lonely.  I thought I believed in a God or some higher power.  I had been to Church and was even baptized as a Christian when I was 16.  But most of my life, I had no trust, no hope, and no faith.  I think I just went through the motions of life but tried to avoid emotions.  Sometimes I felt dead.  I longed for something spectacular that would jolt me into feeling happiness.  I got that jolt while I was at work over 2 yrs. ago.  I was sitting at my post, staring out at the sky and such, wondering how I was going to leave this world.  I heard a voice, but I can't remember just what it said.  I looked up at the sky, the clouds parted and sunshine opened upon me.  I felt this tremendous warm and loving feeling.  It embraced me as if to say everything would be alright.  I smiled and felt loved and had a sudden urge to get up off my rear and take care of myself, and get on with living.  I felt like I could finally see that I was here for a reason.  I wanted to open up to people and quit being scared.  I had left the work radio on a Christian music station and was hooked on some songs right away.  The first one was titled "The will be done."  I knew God was watching over me and Jesus had saved me from the dead feeling I carried for too long.  It was so overwhelming.  I had heard of this happening to other people.  I didn't believe it.  Now I believe.  I believe that RA happened to me, to slow me down in life.  To have me sit still, with myself, and finally discover me, without relying on others input that had actually inhibited the true me.  I am now a mouthy, outgoing, yet caring pain in the butt.  The attention I thought I needed has instead led me to try to get others who seem down, or angry or even shy like I was, to open up and see what a beautiful world this is.  I wish we could all appreciate each other more.