John’s Story

Site created on May 22, 2017

Welcome to our CaringBridge website. We are using it to keep family and friends updated  about our life and John's health as he deals with his cancer recurrence. Feel free to share an update about you and your loved ones or anything else. It's a way for us to stay connected.  Thank you for visiting.

Newest Update

Journal entry by Julie Gardner

It's been nearly four months, four full moons since John left this earth. Remember, John appreciated the moon and passed on the weekend of the full moon with an eclipse. Once again I'm finding it hard to keep up to calls, texts, emails, cards and other communications. And I want to respond, so here’s a giving thanks post and update. It may be the last time I post on CaringBridge. Friends and family have been so kind in the past months in so many ways. I've appreciated all the gifts and visits which have kept me life focused.

It meant much to be with family and friends including so many high school and grade school friends in Kansas City for John’s October Catholic funeral and burial. At the cemetery, as the soil and grass seed were being tamped down, a red-tailed hawk circled above. Many more were higher up. There's been so many winged creatures: owls, hummingbirds, eagles, geese and other gifts from nature this fall. For me, after Kansas City, there was some release or letting go. I slept a bit better, had a little more energy, took more walks, strolled and wrote at the Bloedel Reserve, went to yoga/Pilates more often, and started reading and writing, even took a poetry class. Of course, I wrote grief poems.

We celebrated the joyous occassion of Arlo's first birthday on November 3. His party was a costume event for over 40 people. He was the cutest little skunk!

This past weekend, in the nest John and I created, I hosted my first WritersGathering Retreat. It meant much to me to be able to share the warmth of the nest with others doing something we all love.

And now, the holiday season has begun. John loved Christmas music and started playing it around Halloween. Seriously. It was always a big tease between us. Me, saying we should wait until after Thanksgiving. After his cancer diagnosis, he upped the tease and said, “What if I’m not alive at Thanksgiving?” So, for the last four years we’ve enjoyed Christmas music from October through January. When I was in Starbucks last Friday the Christmas music caught me by surprise. I wept and wept. I’ve been told the holiday season might be difficult. I’m letting the tears flow. Each one is filled with loving memories. There's so many. Yesterday I played Christmas music as I started decorating the nest for Christmas, something John and I never did before Thanksgiving. I wanted to lean into the grief before Thanksgiving in hopes that I won't cry all weekend. John’s brother, his wife, a nephew and his wife will be here for Thanksgiving. For Christmas, everyone but Elie and Ziad will enjoy the warmth and sun together in Sayulita, Mexico. We're planning a trip to Norway to spend time with Elie and Ziad this summer.

Today is a joyful Arlo day. He and I listened to Christmas music. He loved it! Yikes! He may have John’s penchant for an extended Christmas music season.

We've so much to give thanks for. A year ago John was getting radiation and starting immunotherapy which likely gave him more hard earned time with us. Now he’s at peace. I’m at peace with him being at peace and I am practicing being at peace without his presence. I’m reading “The Grace in Dying: A Message of Hope, Comfort and Spiritual Transformation” by Kathleen Dowling Singh. The last four years, and more intensely the last year, have been filled with all of those. It seems to be continuing as I search for answers to unanswerable questions, entering into the Mystery more fully.

Here’s a reprise of a song John and I posted before, What I’m Thankful For.

In the last month of John's life we danced (or snuggled) to some of Carrie Newcomer's songs. Her new song On the Brink of Everything touched us deeply. Some select lyrics: "Yeah, all the things that used to matter. No, they don't mean so much today. ... This has been too much and little. The ache of it bewildering. But for now we will stand together here on the brink of everything, here on the brink of everything. I can't see beyond this horizon. No, I can't say what's waiting there. I never sang because I knew something. I sang because it was a prayer. The finest one that I could bear. ... This body has been many things. It's been rain and snow and earth and dust. I've worked and worried, searched and hurried, but now it's just forgiveness. Now, it's all forgiveness."

My Thanksgiving prayer/wish for all of us is for forgiveness and unconditional love (something John gave me).

Sending love and gratitude to all of you. Your presence in our lives, especially in these past four plus years means much.
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