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Journal

October
31
2019

WEEK 4: Seeking Knowledge, Wisdom, and Truth (week of 10.28.2019)

Unless God supernaturally heals me - which I know He can do - I'm having surgery in 36 days. Then I'll be home for 6 weeks, recovering. I don't know when I've actually taken a week's vacation and not checked email or worked on something. I'm almost looking forward to the time off, until I remember why I'm taking it. 

Work has been a blessing. I love my job. I've been working from home because I am still adjusting to being around "normalcy" for more than an hour or two. I do okay until it hits me - mid-sentence in conversation with someone - that I have cancer and am facing a major surgery in 5 weeks. Then my mind starts running through the lists of things I need to do and things I still don't know.

So today I spent time troubleshooting why quiz answers didn't populate as expected for a handful of our employees who took an eLearning on Bloodborne Pathogens. And somehow I created and launched that training without once thinking about my surgery. I'm getting pretty talented at compartmentalizing. It just happens in brief spurts. I guess that's normal.

At night, I spend hours researching. I always do this - - the topic just varies depending on what interests me. I've learned so much about my own body and am just scraping the surface of the treatments available. I'm also asking God to help me weed through the content and hold on to what is good. I know that He can show me the path that leads to life and longevity. He knows how to speak to me, and I know how to hear Him. I'm still listening. I am asking and waiting for a word that I can stand on. A word that will carry me through - and honestly, nothing else matters when you have your promise.

I've wondered when this mass started growing. There's a myriad of culprits to blame for why we have cancer. It's biological, environmental, spiritual, emotional. It's in the foods we eat and the products we use. It's in the words and emotions we express and those we hold inside. It's in our obedience to God and the times we fall short. It's the synergy of it all and I don't believe there's one event you can pinpoint to explain why a faulty cell is triggered to multiply. Because of that, I believe a multi-faceted approach in therapy provides the best odds for outsmarting this disease that 1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with this year.

In the midst of all the data and research, I'm reminded that the woman with the issue of blood only had to touch the hem of His robe and virtue left His body. By faith she was healed. One touch.

Until then....

I've gotten the names of a couple of breast cancer survivors from mutual friends. I can't wait to connect with them and hear what it's like from another voice on the other side.

They are brave souls, and they inspire me. I can't believe my mother did this with virtually no support in the 1980s. She was loved and surrounded by family - but there was no internet. No support group. No insurance coverage for reconstruction. No Etsy shop featuring cute post-mastectomy PJs. Just her and her scars, her faith, and extreme strength. 

So thankful to know she and my sister leaned on the same Rock that I'm standing on. I will not be shaken.

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