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Journal

October
14
2019

DAY 1 (10.7.2019)

Today, my daughter turned Sweet 16. Just a few hours before we celebrated her, I received the news that I have cancer. When Eden looks back on pictures of tonight’s family celebration of her life, I don’t want the news of my diagnosis to cast a shadow on this milestone. It is one of many milestones I don’t want to miss of her life - or of Justice’s life.

I have so much research to do and so many ugly cries ahead of me. But tonight, we are laughing and watching my daughter open 16 presents from me because I celebrate big. I’m swallowing sweet tears, realizing that I have no regrets for having loved them lavishly. To my children, I have given my body, the temporary pause of my career, my time, my treasures, and all my love.

I don’t even know the magnitude of what there is to fear yet because each breast cancer journey is unique. But no matter how difficult and painful the steps are - there is nothing they can tell me that will hurt worse than my imagining not being here for my children.

I am not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of not being there on Eden’s wedding day. I know my eternity is secure. I also want to have the security that I’ve approved of Justice’s bride - a girl whom God’s audible voice told me to pray for in 2001, five years before he was born.

I’m not ready to leave this earth. However long my journey is, my hope is that I walk it out with grace. God is good - even if my prognosis isn’t. Tomorrow, I’ll tell them. Tonight, we eat cake! 🎂

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