But those of you who know me know how I feel about my body - it's supremely important to me.  And how it feels effects my every moment.  We’ve been through a lot together - a whole lot - my body and I.  My Body is my greatest teacher and truest companion.  We’ve had a fraught relationship, and we’ve done a tremendous amount of healing over the years.

I had felt so betrayed by my body, for the pain and limitations it brought to my life, for the things I wanted to do and couldn’t.  I resented my body for its failings and frailty, for its many illnesses and infirmities.  I wanted to do so much with my life, and I couldn’t even manage to do the most basic things at times.  I hated my body and its brokenness.  I felt broken.  Worthless.  To dream of accomplishments made my heart ache because things I desire were beyond my reach.  I ached on top of aching, and I suffered on top of suffering.  I wanted out of my body; I wanted out of my life.

And yet, somehow, that Spark of life inside just always kept me going.  Through the darkest of darkness, through the bleakest of bleakness, through unimaginable pain, and to the very limits of my tolerance, I stayed.  I stayed with my body.  I stayed in my body.  I learned compassion for my Self, and I learned to be gentle.  I learned how to care for this Being that didn’t ask to be broken, didn’t ask for all this pain and illness.  I became a fierce advocate for my well being, and I really began to accept my limitations and work within them, rather than raging against them.

Yes.  I am different.  I have different needs.  I have to do things in a way that I can get through them - or I have to put things on pause because I can’t get through them just now.

It’s a much healthier place to be.  And I finally made it here - with more to learn, and grow, and heal, certainly.  But I’m doing the work of learning, and healing, and growing.  I may get stuck, but I keep going.  I have had a lot to take care of - my Self - and I’ve been doing a pretty good job.  I’ve worked through so much pain and dysfunction already.  I’ve gotten “better” than I was.  But there are still so many health challenges I’ve been facing.

And then they found a tumor in my brain.

It wasn’t very big, but it was growing.  It wasn’t wrapped around my cranial nerves yet, but it was reaching towards them.  Removing the tumor wasn’t supposed to actually relieve any of the symptoms I’ve been having for decades, which started becoming even more debilitating over the past few years, but it needed to be done to prevent serious and life threatening consequences down the line.  So I had to face one of my greatest fears.

I had to let people cut open my body and put me back together without my supervision and with what felt like exceptionally limited preoperative input.  I had to allow for modern medicine to use the tools they’re comfortable using, and titanium plates and screws, and synthetic membranes.  I was so afraid that I'd get put back together crooked and feel it forever.  I was so afraid I’d have a reaction to the artificial body parts they’d send me home with.  

I couldn't breathe when I thought about it.  

So I thought about something else - how important it is to take a growing tumor out of your brain, and how I was taking such good care of myself - and would do what I needed to do to be okay.  It helped, but I'm still afraid of that crooked feeling, and I've been in a significant amount of pain doing some seemingly simple movements since the surgery.  I still can’t do some pretty basic things comfortably. 

Stretching and massaging was the first thing I did when I came out of surgery.  My body was all twisted and my neck and head aching with such intensity.  But once I got a lightning jolt of excruciating pain in the surgical site, I figured I'd better let it heal before I go mushing things around.

Three weeks after the surgery, I still can’t stretch and massage it without feeling like I’m tearing at stitches and screws.  So I just have to wait for things to get a little more solid before I can work out the kinks.  

It’s difficult to wait for that - to wait to really touch my sore spots which are still numb and painful at the same time.  

So I'm moving through it as best I can.

I’m doing pretty well - making steady progress.  I wish it were all healing faster, but it’s really going well for just having had brain surgery.

I needed a short course of antibiotics and steroids since pain and intracranial pressure started amping up around last weekend.  The meds have settled things back down.  But there’s still pain and stiffness.  I’m still bracing and protecting the surgical site.  I haven’t been able to move my body fluidly yet.

I had a little cry last night because I missed my old head and my old neck.  I could picture my body as it had been - intact - my flesh, my muscles, my bone, and those parts of me are gone now.  I have different parts that I’m still getting used to, so I grieved a little for my former self.

But still.  I’m experiencing plenty of daily progress as well (including space to grieve).  

It’s a process.  

I surrendered to necessity of surgery.  I surrendered to the limitations I’d face during recovery and the unpredictable circumstances I could face.  I had no way of knowing what any of this would really be like.

It’s been a lot.  And I’m moving through it.  

I continue to move through it.  As best I can.