Jesse | Journal | CaringBridge

Journal entry by Claudia Cleveland

Well, I can honestly say that 2018 has been the year from hell.  I would love to say that 2019 will be better, but as we know, it won't be.   It's hard to be excited bringing in a new year, knowing that you are losing half of yourself at some point.  But I'm trying to stay positive.  Postive fact number 1:  Jess made it to 2019.  If you had told us that he would still be here back in August, we both would have shook our heads.  But here he is.  Laying in bed, sleeping, as the New Year comes in.  But don't worry, I am going to go in there and give him a kiss and wish him happy 2019.  My wish will not come true, this I know, but I am still going to try to treasure every day we have together, even the ones that try my patience, and wear me out, and are so very hard emotionally.   At least I still have him laying next to me in bed.  Complaining that Sophie, our pug's butts in his face as he tries to sleep.  Complaining about being cold when its 80 degrees in the room.  All the little things that irritate me. I need to treasure them.   And focus on making the memories we can.

As some of you know, a friend from HS sent Jess some Cowboy stuff for Christmas. Among it was a Roger Staubach jersey.  Roger Stauback is Jess' hero. Always has been.  When we moved out here he had a signed copy of Roger being inducted into the Hall of Fame (it has since been stolen).  That was Jess' prized possession.  Broke his heart when it was stolen.  Getting that jersey made his year.  Yes, he loved what we all got him for Christmas, but this present was something that absolutely broke his heart and yet made him happy at the same time.  Jess loves Roger, not only as a player, but for the human being he is.   The video I recorded, that I am unable to post on here, but that is on my facebook and twitter, was because I knew Jess would have some reaction to it, and he didn't disappoint.  It was a priceless moment and one that not only made me happy, but made me cry as well.   You can find me as Texasmomma70 on Twitter. You will find the video on there.  It's not viral, but its had over 2000 views I believe.  I'm trying to get Roger Staubach's attention and get him to sign the jersey for Jess.  I don't dare ask him to come meet Jess, because I know how busy he is, but a signed Jersey shouldn't be too hard, and I think if we can just get Roger to see Jess' video, he would do it gladly.   So, keep your fingers crossed it happens, and in time.

As for how Jess is doing.  He has his ups and downs.  Last week was tough. He had about 3 days he didn't eat or drink hardly anything.  But Saturday this week he started eating again. Cereal mind you, but like 4 bowls of it.   And he is drinking.  He is shaking more, when he reaches for things; not sure if its the meds or the brain tumor or what is going on.  He is more shaky on his feet a lot of the time, but he still will go to the bathroom on his own and try to come into the living room.  He does tend to sleep more, and he complains about his stomach hurting a lot of the time now.  His go-to drink (V8), he can't handle anymore, and even grape juice is getting harder for him to keep down.  I keep trying to find new drinks he will like that are healthy, because he just doesnt like protein drinks.  Its a challenge..and its hard because he wants to eat other things but just can't.  Last time we weighed him he was up to 103lbs (had been 100.5)...  but for a man who has always been in the 150's, that's a lot of weight to lose. 

I don't know what the future holds. How many days we have.  His new goal is Jessica's birthday, which is February 4th.  I honestly can't say how that will work out.  One day at a time.  And trying to keep the faith for final expenses, and the house payoff to happen.   Trying not to stress, because it makes me short tempered and i want to not be grumpy all the time.  It's just so hard to deal with all this, all th etime. Day in, day out.  Nobody really gets it, unless they have gone through it.  Sometimes I want to shake people who are complaining about the simple problems in life and tell them to wake up, that what they are dealing with is NOT a big deal, but in reality, that was me, before Cancer.  

That's how things are marked in this family now.  Before Cancer and After Diagnosis.  And that stinks.  But its our reality.  The house, while it still may have laughter and smiles, has an heavy air about it. A sadness about it.  Because life is changing daily and none of us, nobody should ever have to go through this.

So, on that note, to my friends and family.  Happy New Year. I hope YOUR 2019 is an amazing year, filled with laughter, love and happiness.  I hope you take time to enjoy all the simple moments that life brings you.  Take time to smell the roses, the cut grass, even the skunks.....because all those things that we take for granted, don't always last forever.  Love your family.   Don't waste time on those who have no time for you.   Treasure your friends and loved ones.   

If I could go back in time, there is a lot I would change. But I can't.   Ohhhh, if only I could..

Until the next post.   God bless and Happy 2019 to y'all.

****Below are a few pics taken via snapchat with Jess today*****
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