Your Prayers Have Been Answered

So often I want to sit here and write but it usually happens in the middle of the day when the timing just isn’t right. I’ve wanted to share my thoughts and feelings, even our experiences during this time and the one thought that has continually floated through my mind is that the thousands of prayers you all have sent for us have been answered!!! Truly I have felt that overwhelming feeling even though in a temporal sense, I’ve lost something so precious and dear. In a mother’s mind I’ve many times gone over what could’ve happened or been and as I mull over these thoughts, it truly couldn’t have been a better outcome. Hopefully by next week we’ll hear from pathology on all the details of his tumor but we do know that it was most likely a very aggressive tumor. I’m so thankful we didn’t have to watch the energetic ball of energy, laughter filled redheaded rascal slowly deteriorate and be ravaged by the effects of chemo and radiation. I view his service and Celebration of Life as his “Wedding Day” and am so grateful our memories of him are just as Clayton wrote in his song, “sunshine, laughter, light and joy”! 

As some one of you know, he’s had his share of near mishaps that could’ve ended in a tragic outcome but somehow had his own guardian angel following him. The most recent event was when I was heading to Michigan while Ian was in Finland with his brothers. My sister Bridget was riding with me and we were right outside of Rhinelander, WI stopping so the boys could take a bathroom break and run around for a little bit. I pulled onto a small side road that had visible signs of children at play and slow speed road signs. As the boys were playing in the trees on a hill, I was situating Zara & Theo when I heard Bridget yell to Jerry that he can’t be crossing the road. I came around our vehicle, and just as I was telling him I was coming over to help him cross I heard a noise and looked up the road to see a truck barreling down the road. It was in that instant that my heart sunk knowing this truck was going far beyond the speed limit, let alone even a safe speed for the road itself. Time slowed down and as if everything was in slow motion I whipped my head back to Jerry and yelled, “Don’t move!” Looking at the truck and knowing I had no time to run for him, I gaped in horror at my precious boy while he was running for the road and the last thing I saw, was that he was already at the pavement and there was no way I would ever see him smile, laugh or play again. It was the most bizarre thing, because people talk about seeing their lives flash before their eyes and in my mind there wasn’t a shadow of a doubt that he was going to be killed by this truck and his little life was going to be taken. I just remember screaming as the truck blew by. As I stared in horror thinking I knew what I was going to see, instead, there was Jerry standing there unharmed and eyes wide. I don’t remember much of what happened after that except running to him and in shock that this all just took place. Jerry was crying and apologizing up and down. Once I managed to calm down I explained to him that I wasn’t angry, it was a miracle that he wasn’t hit and I was just so scared that we lost him. Bridget and I replayed the scene over and over again, trying to understand how on earth he wasn’t hit and to this day I don’t know, but it truly made me believe in guardian angels. As I’ve sat here and thought about his near scrapes with death, I’ve accepted these occurrences as God’s way of letting us realize how precious his little life was before he was finally called home. One evening on our way home from a friends house, Lachlan was having a really hard time and telling us, “it might’ve been God’s time to have Jerry go to heaven but it wasn’t my time to let him go!” As I sat and pondered how to explain it in a way that he would understand and find peace, I realized I could explain to him that Jerry was an angel long before he came into our family and God borrowed him to us for 4 years. It still hurts because we’re so lonesome for him and it feels like there’s a missing piece to our family puzzle, but we can be thankful for all the little reminders Jer sends to us each day like the continuous rainbows we’ve seen and the butterflies that fly by during our hardest moments. Since this chat we’ve had with him, Lachlan will talk about missing him and still cry, but hasn’t been angry or questioned why he had to leave.  

As as each day passes and we find our new routines, some things become easier but some moments of missing him become more difficult knowing that we have to make new memories without him and the rest of us will age, while he will forever be suspended in time as 4 years old. Lachlan has probably been the most difficult to navigate with his thoughts and feelings. We know children are resilient but it hurts my heart so bad to watch him try to play by himself and gives up only to stare off into space. He tries to play with Zara but she’s still so young that they both get frustrated easily. He often asks to play with all of Jerry’s friends and although it’s a little painful to watch it warms my heart at the same time to see them try to hold that space where Jer once was. 

Another prayer that’s also crossed my mind many times is that through our own pain, it is my hope that if others will take one thing from our story and that is LOVE. A verse that’s been imprinted on my heart through this all is from 1Corinthians 13:13 “and now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three, but the greatest of these is charity.” With the endless amount of love we have received, it is through friends, family and mothers who’ve gone through this before me that have strengthened my faith and given me hope. I know that through the process of grief, everyone has their own way of navigating their storm and there is never a “right” or “wrong” way. I’ve found for myself, that I find more peace through focusing on losing Jer as something that will shape my life, but not define me as a mother who has lost her child and the rest of her life crumbled to ashes around her. I personally feel that happiness is actually a choice and although so incredibly difficult at times, and we may feel blinded by our pain, we have a choice to find the blessings that are laid out in front of us, or to focus on the trials that weigh us down. This realization hit me after Jerry’s heart gave out during his last brain function test and I felt like my one last wish was ripped viciously out from under me when we were unable to donate any of his organs to people desperately in need. I sobbed and felt so angry... “If I have to go through the pain of watching my boy drift away from us, why can’t I at least cling to the knowledge that in him leaving, another was able to survive?!” It took me quite awhile to find peace even in this. I don’t and may never know why that day had to be his last but pray that maybe others will find some sort of peace in their own lives through following our journey. If you take anything from our story, please, love all of those around you, repair those broken relationships, forgive those who need to be forgiven, for life is too short to live hurting and with regret. 

Sending Love and Prayers back to you all,
The Family of a Redheaded Angel