Tonight I had to get so many feelings out, and writing in my journal just wasn't enough, so I hope that sharing them here will help release them, so my brain and my heart can settle down.

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Somehow I managed to forget that today is our dating anniversary, until I was lying down with Katherine, waiting for her to fall asleep. It's not a huge anniversary to celebrate once you're married, but we always acknowledged it, and usually went out for dinner and complained about being stuck with the Valentine's Day crowd. I managed to let only a couple of tears slip through as I laid there, holding our daughter's hand, before I was finally able to sneak out of her room.

I checked my Facebook memories, maybe to torture myself, but now Facebook doesn't include posts where Jeff is tagged. I can understand why, it hurts when the memories pop up unexpectedly, but it also hurts that he's been erased in a way. I'm glad that I have so many photos of him and Katherine where he isn't tagged - they're precious to me, the ones we didn't print out and put in albums, the everyday silly moments that seemed so mundane, back when we didn't know time was running out.

As we get closer to the one-year mark of when he got sick, the daily memories take on a different tone, because I can't help but think how the happy people in those photos have no idea what's coming, no idea that this is the last time they'll eat in that restaurant or visit that park or take a trip together.

I know that there's still a future ahead, and there will be new happy memories. I know that Katherine and I will be okay, but it will never be the same.