Hi friends, I realized it's been quite some time since I've updated. Its way more fun to update when we have good news, when the weeks suck you get absorbed in the sorrow and don't really want to do anything, which is where I feel I am stuck at right now.

We are almost halfway through Stage five. We have our 3rd treatment on Monday and then just two miserable ones left to go. We were so excited to hit this stage. We had high hopes it would be a glimpse of what the near future will look like, until it wasn't.

Jayce has been in bed more often than not these last three weeks. His stomach has hurt almost every day to where he can't eat. When he does eat, one out of three, he's vomiting. If he holds it down his stomach kicks up even more and the pain becomes so severe he just cries. He doesn't want to eat, get up, walk, nothing. I think in the last 21 days we've had maybe 3 or 4 good days. I live for those days even though they are few and far between.

On top of his stomach his face and neck have broken out into a horrible itchy rash. From what you ask, who knows!! Just another thing to irritate him when he's already down. His nose bleeds have been obnoxious lately as well. I don't know how this child has anything left in his body after the amount that pours out of his nose. Oh, and lucky him, the mouth sores are coming in with a vengeance.

I'm hopeful if we can get through these last couple weeks of treatments, maintenance will be where we can catch a break, but I am beginning to doubt that as well.  I am trying to stay focused and keep our minds on the eye of the prize but as each day ticks on it gets harder and harder but every day, I put a smile on my face and tell Jayce it's almost over and we're going to be okay.  

Mom's been struggling pretty hard these past two weeks.  I don't know what it is. Maybe it's because the end is coming. Part of me is exhausted mentally and I think that is playing into it. Saturday while Jayce was napping I left the house and headed to my besties because it's my safe space to lose my shit at. I would be lying if I said the mom guilt wasn't eating me alive while I was there but its the place I can do with no judgment, no coddling, just listening. What I love about them is the honesty. They both try to boost me up and tell me we have to keep pushing and they couldn't be more on point, but Nichole also looked me dead in the face and said, you know I can't help you right? I can't make it better. And she's right. She has fixed so much with me when things have hit the fan but this one, I just have to get through on my own and its tough. So many people want to help, and I appreciate it so much, but in the grand scheme of things, it's something I just have to get through. To be honest, I am not sure how I've made it this far. 

I know I'll get out of this rut soon; he will get a good day and it will reset my mind like it always does, I just have to patient and wait for that day to come.

Until next time, hopefully it's a better update :)

Love, the Palmers.