Every day I realize something new about myself and this situation I am in. Yesterday’s clear revelation was that all of you putting me on a pedestal of any kind for being inspirational and positive and yada yada yada are wrong about me being any different than any of you on any given day. We are all just trying to do our best. When you feel strong and supported choices seem more clear. When you feel alone, and vulnerable, choices are harder to be sure about. 

Yesterday for much of the time I felt scared and the choices I made reflected that. 

Heather Ledet Mixson is my oncology ARNP. She has been my friend since our kids were in preschool together. Many of you already know she has been my lifeline since being diagnosed and has been directly involved every single day with every choice I’ve made. She has not made any of these choices for me but has been there to support me like nobody else could have been with her level of knowledge coupled with her compassion for me. I can’t imagine how hard that has been for her. 

Yesterday my choices took her to a new limit and she didn’t blink an eye. Actually I’m sure she did a lot of blinking and other gestures that I couldnt see throughout the day but at no time was that transferred to me through the phone which was my lifeline to her. 

When I finally got home from the hospital after 8pm, after arriving in the ER at 3:30am I looked back at the 78 texts I had written her during the day.  I am not referring to 78 one or two word/question texts. A majority of these were paragraph form with some crazy extreme emotion, toddler tantrum reactions and lots of foul words scattered throughout. I can’t say for sure because it would take too long to go back and read them all but I don’t think ANY of them could be construed as positive or inspirational. Heather righteously belongs on a pedestal of her own for being an extraordinary friend, healthcare provider and all around freaking saint. She answered EVERY SINGLE ONE of those 78 texts all while working a full day at the oncology office. I just can’t imagine how hard that was for her to manage but she deserves a Medal of Honor. Thank you doesn’t even begin to relay my gratitude Heather ❤️

There are so many others of you who I appreciate calmly sitting on the sidelines ready to jump in when I ask for help like Joni Krause Melville who instantly got in her car and drove to the hospital last night as I was threatening to sign out against medical advice. Those requests for something specific are not frequent and may come out of nowhere because you happen to be the person I need at that given time but they are so appreciated. Thank you!

When I thought of posting today I was going to be a rebel and change things up and prove my point that I am not always positive and that I could very easily and instantly list a 100 things a day that are unfair about what has been taken from my family and I since March. But why do that? It accomplishes nothing and forces me to focus on things I cannot control instead of things I can. But just know I think about it......and I could. And then we would all cry big fat tears about things we already know but once said out loud become so much bigger. 

The last thought for the day is this. It doesn’t sound particularly positive because it’s not. But it is reality and i think it helps to realize that we think we have limits until we break through them and that we are all much stronger than we know. Each day since my diagnosis there has been at least one more challenge presented. Each day the biggest of the challenges seems so huge and takes up all my energy and focus. Just when I feel I am overwhelmed and cannot take anymore, another challenge comes along that is bigger then the previous one and suddenly the previous one is manageable and my focus adapts to the bigger problem. This is life. We are in a constant state of adaptation to our environment and our limits are endless. 

Yesterday I went in to the hospital thinking that relief of pain was my absolute priority because it was when I got there. Lots of important things happened during the day and lots of choices were made but none of them included pain relief. It should have remained my primary focus except suddenly a new challenge presented itself. The biggest threat was being forced to stay in the hospital another night because of a critical lab result which had nothing to do with my pain or relief from it. This challenge became so much more urgent than my pain that I was able to move beyond the pain and focus on the task of getting home to my family. I think the message I am trying to convey is this, no problem is the ‘end all’. It often seems like it just couldn’t get any worse but it is all just relative to experiences you have had before and ones that will present themselves in the future. You can get beyond everything that gets thrown at you and you become stronger every time you do. 

I am not sure how many more of these posts I will or can do. I have stubbornly resisted narcotic pain control the last 7 months which has left me in pain but also allowed me to feel ‘normal’ in my head for the most part. I hate drugs that affect the way I think or feel but I have entered a phase in this journey where they are necessary. If I stop posting don’t worry about me. I will be in la la land somewhere.