December 21, 2022

I find it almost incomprehensible it was exactly 365 days ago that I stood on the ground floor of McCandless Passavant Hospital and “rang the bell” following my final radiation treatment. I have been asked a few times what day do I consider my cancer anniversary – is it the day of diagnosis or the day treatment ends?  For me, I have chosen ringing the bell – December 21, 2021. (See photo on left.) Believe me, February 9, 2021 is etched in my mind forever – the day Dr. G. said “We have something concerning here” – but that was just the beginning. Little did I know the journey ahead of me the next 10 months.  But even more impactful was the moment I walked to the bell and the wave of emotion which overcame me.

As I look back on the past year I reflect on how much my life has changed through this journey. There have been moments of anger, frustration, and despair. BUT there has been opportunity for growth, gratitude, and perspective. 

Physically, my reconstructed torso has gifted me an unobstructed, free-flowing, swing for the fences golf swing. The few rounds I did play this year felt amazing.  I literally stood on the course after my first round of 18 last spring and said, “At least one good thing came from cancer – I can swing freely through a golf ball!” However, there are some challenges – many of which are naked to the outside eye. I will spend a good portion of my life on medications which attack my cancer cells from the outside (blocking hormones from feeding cells) and the inside (protein inhibitor preventing cell growth.)  With medications come side effects such as atypical fatigue, uncommon joint soreness & stiffness, and real GI distress.  So yes, my day to day living has changed. I sleep a bit more, workouts are not as easy, and intestinal discord is consistently unpredictable.

I still visit with my oncologist every six weeks for bloodwork and check-ups.  I continue to live with the fear of my cancer returning but have worked very hard, with lots of help, to balance that fear with the reality that I’m alive and living in the moment. These are just some of the “invisible” hurdles one’s journey can present.

Yet for each valley we traverse there is always a peak we seek.  The moments of ascension have blessed me with a perspective sorely lacking in my life prior to February 9, 2021. Very quickly I came to recognize what truly matters in my life and, thus, would command my energy while casting away the energy suckers of life. I have stumbled into a certain sort of peace that allows me to let go of the trivial annoyances which used to occupy way too much space in my head and heart. With help and guidance from others I have learned self-care is not selfish. I find contentment in the simplest moments and gratitude for those who walk this journey with me. However, I openly admit not every day is “Peace, Love, and Little Donuts” (that’s a Pittsburgh thing!); sometimes a little vinegar finds its way into my day.

As I look to “win the moment” of each day I often reflect on what is my purpose? And I’ve come to the realization I may not ever get a concrete answer – perhaps life is meant to be a continual quest to find it? Another change - we added Beakers and Jobbers (see photo on right) to the family and my immediate purpose is to make sure the Christmas tree remains upright and my cats’ fur is free of pine needles and holiday ornaments. 😊

As I look back on the past year my heart is full from the love, laughter, and support of my colleagues, friends, and family.  I am indebted to my medical team who I trust implicitly and whose brilliance and empathy have given me the confidence to envision a long life in front of me. I have been blessed with the most selfless partner who has walked every step with love and laughter, care and compassion. While my life may always have an element of fear, I will try to walk each day with a tranquility of knowing all valleys lead to a summit. Yes, I have changed. More importantly, I am changed. Happy Anniversary H.