Hi all,

It's been a whirlwind of a few days, we made it home last night. But as Dilan shared earlier this week, I'm cleared! I knew this was one of the options going into this week, but I honestly wasn't letting myself get hopeful because I've been disappointed in a situation like this just last year. Maybe that wasn't the right move, but I knew that I needed to protect my heart - especially in the season we were in on the heels of holidays, three years since our miscarriage, and honestly just exhaustion of a never-ending season. So I prepared myself mentally for needing treatment, I packed everything I could possibly need to be radioactive again - even my "Keep Calm and Radiate On" shirt I wore the first time I was glowing. 

As we prepared for this trip - even just since surgery - we've had to make quite a few counterintuitive decisions that pushed us to trust in His plan instead of our own plans and wants. With this news, I am happy we made the decisions we did, but man did they push us to ask some hard questions all the same. 

The staff we met with was fantastic and fully explained every option prior to our scan and every option we could choose after the scan showed no evidence of disease. I still don't think the reality of being able to "move on" after three long years has sunk in, but it also is exciting to think about. I think I'm struggling with the idea of this being "the end" because there's always going to be follow ups, scans, bloodwork, and medication for the rest of my life. There's also still a good amount of healing that need to happen, both physically and mentally from a season that continued to take and take. There's always a chance of recurrence, but that's just a reality of a cancer patient I guess. Will there every be finality in my "end" of thyroid cancer? Not really, but for now the heavy stuff is beyond us for the foreseeable future and I keep telling myself that needs to be a win that's celebrated. 

On the Sunday I started this treatment/diagnostic protocol, we visited a church after my appointments. As many churches are, they were focusing on the season of advent... and this week oddly enough was focused on the Paradoxical Christian live of being a people that simultaneously hold a life of waiting and longing with a life of laboring and preparing. Sounds familiar right? I sat there smirking. The last three years for Dilan and I have been waiting and longing, but simultaneously (sometimes unknowingly and/or resistantly) preparing for life after this season. Waiting and longing for a season of a life not dictated by surgeries and appointments. Waiting and longing for a chance to live our lives without heavy worries. Waiting and longing to have the energy and opportunity share our love with children, one day hopefully our own. Waiting and longing for times where we can love on others and support others the way that others have supported us in this drawn out season. 

But in the same light, we have been preparing for all of these things. We have been preparing our hearts for this season as well. Building our communication as a couple through couples therapy and individual therapy. Preparing for this season by letting others in to support us in ways I couldn't even count, because support and fellowship doesn't end when I am cleared, but I also have learned that these people we have built relationships with are going to also be monumental in this next season too... hopefully for more celebrations than setbacks. We've been preparing and praying through the ideas of what does our future look like, what do we value, and what are areas that are holding us back from the people and parents we need to be?

Looking back, part of my heart feels like this was God's last "hurrah" and reminder that this season still has meaning before giving us the gift of being cleared. But honestly it was a good reminder that despite the heartbreak, the tears, the longing of this season, there is so much good that we have been able to enjoy or will be able to enjoy. I still don't think I am at a place to say I'm grateful for this season, but there is a lot of good in the season that didn't seem to end. Here's to a 2024 of continued healing, new beginnings, new hopes, and hopefully no new neck scars ;)