Holly’s Story

Site created on August 17, 2019

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Journal entry by Holly Bacuzzi

Dear Family of Friends,

First, I am thinking of each of you and hoping that this crazy world isn't throwing you for a loop. We all sure have some real work to do, don't we?

I continue to feel well, and have decided to do something about my muscle weakness and balance issues: I will rehire my trainer now that she's back from being quarantined in Germany with her mother, and plan to regain my strength and energy.

Now, looking back to when I was diagnosed in August, 2019, as you know I accepted my death and felt calm and prepared to die. Yesterday in my Kaiser Cancer Support group, one of our members shared the following; with his permission, I am including it here in its entirety because I've never been able to put my experience into words, and his are just perfect in describing how I felt.

"Remembering September 2018… When I accepted my death:
 
 
I felt a clarity of sorts. A clarity about life. I no longer had a
need to achieve anything. It was liberating! Complete freedom! Freedom
to just stop trying to accomplish anything. Freedom to just breathe.
 
Imagine being present, in the moment, really in the moment. Just wake
up in the morning and breathe!
 
No reason to plan for the future. No reason to even plan for the day.
Just wake up. Just simply wake up. Scratch my ass if it itches. Fart
if I need to.
 
I didn’t even need to get out of bed if I didn’t feel like it!
 
But I did feel like it… I was excited to wake up… I was excited to
breathe… I was excited to eat food… I was hungry.
 
Imagine having NO pressure. No pressure to achieve. No pressure to
achieve anything! And no guilt about it! No guilt, no pressure, no
sorrow. What was there to be sorry about. I had lived my life!
 
I actually thought and felt like I had lived my life, and was
satisfied. Satisfied…
 
The air smelled fresher. The sky was bluer, the birds sounded bird –Y–
er ! It was like music. And music?  Music sounded like feeling.
Feeling with color, melody was a feeling. Sonny Rollins set free a
flock of tiny birds that fluttered up my spine. They twirled and
vibrated down my legs and threw waves of purple and blue echoes that
burst out my feet. Golden sparks jolted out my fingertips leaving
rainbow trails as my arms gyrated and my feet swirled in circular
slips across the floor. Thelonious plunked the keys attached to my
toes and made loose hinge bones move up and down my spine.
 
No thoughts – no thinking – just movement…
 
Swirling, syncopated, sounds, of rhyme!
Fluttering rippled waves of time!
 
To breathe sound and exhale color! Is that what dance is?  Not a
decision, not a plan of practiced steps. Not a thought, but a
reflection.
 
An open circuit, no wires to connect!  No volts – no amps - no
resistance! Like water splashing over the crest of rocks and flying
down exploding with a crash of cymbals. I guess I never really
listened to music before. Now I’m really hungry. Food is life, hunger
is life.
 
I grab my friends and shake them.  Wake up!  Wake up!  I have to slap
their faces. Wake up!  This is it!  This is all there is.  Burn your
schedules, smash your clocks.  Open the prison door, it was never
locked!  Stop it – stop turning in small circles.  Turn big, spin,
spin in big circles. Dance in circles – fly in circles.  Flap your
wings you’re running out of time…"

It was a glorious unexpected experience for me as well. And I'm still here...still feeling, learning and growing with you, my treasured community.

Love to each of you,
Holly



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