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Journal

June
15
2019

Amazing Cancer Walk ... what I learned in a time of loss

Some of you know my Uncle passed away Memorial Day weekend.  I struggled with this greatly for many reasons.  A veteran, my God Father, many years of not seeing each other as we use to. So many pains. What I know, he had been suffering many years with his heart. His passing brings many regrets and I have to find peace that he was with family during his last moments. 

A few days after his passing was our cancer walk with Jodi's Race for Awareness. 

I have been volunteering for COCA, Colorado Ovarian Cancer Alliance over the last few months.  I have had questions about being a "survivor"

Mostly, because people don't believe you can be a survivor without chemo.

In speakng with countless doctors, survivors and nurses, not using Wikipedia to self diagnose, I have a screenshot of the clearer descriptor itof how it starts.

I struggled with "am I am survivor? " for these same reasons.  I happen to be more in tune with my pain and that is how my stubborn advocacy caught this quickly.  I am in awe of the woman who struggled with this tumor longer as it was tremendously painful

This disease comes in many silent forms. Mine was a painfully vocal tumor that grew red hair inside and because of my rapid response, It was 1.92 not 2.0 which was chemo ready.

I am grateful for the speedy hands, the poker hand   I dealt to gift so many amazing doctors.I survived not having chemo at 18 with cervical cancer cells when they froze my cervix.  I birthed 2 children, my uterus died.  I endured painful teritoma tumor which nearly had me on chemotherapy.  I get my dense breast tissue tested annually now.


If you have to ask of I am a surirvior of Ovarian Cancer? Yes. I grew a tumor larger than my uterus that was eating away at my body.


Did I have chemo? No. I caught it early by a few weeks due to its ramped up growth. 

Amen for 2 life scares and catching them early.

Does this mean I survived?

Hell yes!

My story of af advocacy will change lives! This is why I AM here!

As I crossed that survivor finish line, I knew I crossed that bridge for ME, for the women that overcame greater pain, for the women who couldn't fight any more and for my Uncle who I knew was a distant cheerleader for me. It pained him to see me hurting. 

Every single day I struggle with pains related to this surgery and hope that it doesn't come back ... I will fight and use my online platform to share.

I'm in pain daily. I don't talk about it, but the IBS I was diagnosed with isnt gone. I fall asleep often and my symptoms aren't totally gone. This is expected with this disease and I pray it disappears like it came.  I am not a number. I will make a difference. 

As I was hugged the entire day, whispers 
of support everywhere.  I heard one thing from everyone, " You aren't alone. Your journey is valid, you are heard and you are loved." I know these things, but to hear from strangers was powerful!

I have been showered on this way by friends and family, but 50+ strangers set me back.


I leave today with Katy Perry
If ever there were a victory song for my journey it is this.

https://youtu.be/hdw1uKiTI5c

As I grieve my Uncle, he gave me this treasure  ... what I heard him speak to my soul is this song he wanted at his service.  I remember he he loved my dance. I remember our dance together and how he pushed me to love on nature hard, love hard on family and always be the best me.

His song https://youtu.be/RV-Z1YwaOiw

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