It’s been 21 months since Hermon died. Feels both like yesterday AND long ago. 

I invite you to come to a Celebration of Life for Hermon on his birthday weekend. Plus, a quick update on the logistics and emotions involved in rebuilding a life.

PLEASE let me know if you would like to speak for a couple of minutes at the gathering. The format will be mostly mixing and mingling. There are many of Hermon’s friends and family I want to introduce to one another. We’ll have some of Hermon’s favorite Armenian mezes and share hugs and memories. 

Saturday, May 28, 2022, From 4pm, 8 Freshwater Lane, Wilton CT

I Can’t Remember Today but I Well Remember Yesterday

In many ways, I feel I’ve spent the past couple of years in a blur. I have trouble remembering anything that happened, and yet somehow I’ve emerged with a new house and a new form of income. Thus, I think the blur of the past months was a coping and healing mechanism in many ways.

In contrast, I remember in exquisite, lovely detail the time we spent caring for Hermon after his diagnosis. Every so often my analytical mind tries to understand how a time - when death was so near - could also be so sweet. My current theory is that it was the only time EVER that Hermon let other people take care of him. He was a control freak and so for him to let go was big. In the early stages post-diagnosis, the kids and I could tell he was angry about being lifted, helped, and fed. But soon he accepted our help and died ten weeks later with the peace of feeling deeply loved and cared for.

Different Approaches to Death

After Hermon died, a friend called to ask if I could chat with her friend whose husband had just been diagnosed. Ultimately, we weren’t a good fit. She was focused on finding a cure and being in constant communication with the doctors. She disagreed with our acceptance of Hermon’s prognosis. 

In contrast, our family’s passion was to give Hermon the very best life he could have after he decided to stop chemotherapy. We organized Zoom calls and invited people to have socially-distanced visits. People wrote gorgeous moving letters with memories, anecdotes, atonements, everything. Harrison’s campout birthday party in the backyard two weeks before Hermon died was one of his happiest days. And he felt deeply and truly loved when he died at home.

The Power of Family, Friends, and Community

My little sister, Kathy, was my rock. She sent notes, she came to visit. She helped me cope in such a deep deep way, keeping Hermon’s spirit alive by talking about all aspects of him, and just being here for me emotionally and physically.

The Telyan Kids - Harrison and Taylor have been amazing. I know I’ve written about them before and at length. Their love and sacrifice, kindness, hard labor, and truth-telling was a gift I will never be able to match. Both are happy with lives that are rich and fulfilling. Taylor recently got a bad case of breakthrough Covid and then a week later broke her ankle stepping off a curb the wrong way! She is now in a boot and it is due to come off in another month or so. Harrison’s start-up is now going into its fifth year stronger than ever, and he is now full-time in the U.S.

My friend Ceci Maher invited me to live with her for several months, which was the most amazing gift ever because her husband had died six weeks after Hermon. We’ve been friends for 40+ years but were in different orbits that came together only a few times a year. Thus, I was a bit nervous about it but accepted for financial reasons. It turned out to be the BEST THING ever and it cemented our friendship for life. (BTW, she’s running for state senate - which Hermon always wanted her to do –  “Shake things up, Ceci!” – and I can vouch for her total genuineness: What you see is what you get. Vote for Ceci!)

The GoFundMe Campaign Saved My Life.  First and foremost, I could NEVER EVER EVER have gotten through this year without the cushion of the GoFundMe created by my friends Tom Schneider and David King. We had financial challenges, and I was out of work, thanks to Covid. It was overwhelming and I was truly, deeply scared. I had Social Security but didn’t qualify for Hermon’s. It was paralyzing, and GoFundMe assured me financial peace for at least a year to meet my basic living expenses. Thank God, I managed to stretch the funds because the renovation took longer (of course). But the diminishment of the fund was thankfully in perfect timing with income starting to come in from the Airbnb and rental. 

The House that Friendship Built.   With the help of a truly extraordinary loan from godmommy Ellen Ferguson, I dived into finishing our house. It would NEVER have been possible without her, and I would have had to sell the house at a loss as an unfinished white elephant. Ellen was my college roommate so she knows everything about me, my weaknesses and my strengths. Thanks to her belief in me, I was able to realize my goal of having the house become both my home AND income producer. Every decision I made had to pass the test: “Does it contribute to the income stream?” With that in mind, I now have a pretty Airbnb suite that has a mini-fridge, access to laundry, art room, and more; plus a rental unit with a full kitchen, laundry, private entrance, heated floors.

Carole’s Boarding House.   I’ve always been enchanted with the concept of boarding houses, co-living, communes, community, and it has now become a happy financial necessity for me. The very first thing I did regarding the move back into the house was to set up the Airbnb. Everything else was secondary. I listed it and got my first guest within hours and almost immediately was booked all the way through October. Here’s the link if you’re curious. 

What I Celebrate About Hermon.    Hermon was a unique, complex, smart, worldly, and sometimes challenging individual. I will always be grateful for his unique perspective, his passion for democracy and local politics, his wicked and irreverent sense of humor, his attention to the beauty in all things on this earth, and his soft touch for matters of the heart, especially with his children and his parents. And when it came to us, Hermon and I always said to one another, “I may not be perfect, but I’m perfect for you.”

Hermon’s vibrant personality shone through during his entire illness. I recently re-read the entire blog I wrote on the Caring Bridge site and was stunned to be reminded that just ten days before he died, he commanded me to tell people on Facebook that he “wasn’t dead yet and still had opinions.” 

Oh how he could make me laugh, or see/understand/hear something in a completely new way.

So come, let’s talk about Hermon. For once, he can’t answer back. Though we can amuse ourselves by imagining just how he might respond. 

There’s More to Say.   I’m sure I’m leaving out some of the ingredients of rebuilding a life. To recap, for me, the essentials are:

• Wonderful sister and friends who extended themselves beyond the imagination
• Incredible offspring who were a fountain of love and, later, physical and organizational helpers
• A financial cushion to allow time to build a new life both emotionally and financially
• A bereavement group - we still meet monthly - but we call ourselves the Pandas because we were formed during the pandemic and we wanted our name to convey hope for the future

Please join us on Saturday, May 28, 2022, from 4-6 pm at home, 8 Freshwater Lane, Wilton, CT! 

ALL ARE WELCOME but pleeeeeze RSVP so everyone has a chance to enjoy the Armenian Meze Spread.

carolesouthall@gmail.com or text me 203-722-8914