Journal entry by Lauren Busch —
I haven't updated in a while. I would love to update about everything in my journey thus far, but I find myself just wanting to write, to release, to feel, to live. Cancer has stripped me of so much.
Cancer divides the people in your life into different subgroups: the people you knew would already care, the people who wouldn't care, and the people who would care when it was convenient for said person to have a clear conscience. I am not mad at the above, that's just what happens. That's just what any big event in any persons life can bring; clarity about friendship and the supposed Christians who have been a part of your life in some form. And I am aware of this division.
Cancer has aged me. I still find myself trying to find some sort of resemblance of the old me in the mirror. There are layers of peach fuzz that have covered my face post chemo. That has aged me. There are red, popped and damaged blood vessels that have left a stain on my face from the constant facial flushing from steroids and treatments. That has aged me. There are deep lines and discoloration, saggy skin from loss of collagen. The whites of my eyes are no longer the pearly white and more of a shadow of the white they used to be. That has aged me. I have always known such aging would happen. To have it happen earlier then expected in an unnatural way, makes it a little more difficult to accept and be comfortable with what I see. Yes, I realize I have been through a lot and I am beautiful the way I am and blah blah. But sometimes I just want to feel "normal" for my age. I want to accept my reality without hesitation. And I am not there. I thought I was. But I am not. And that has aged me.
Cancer has exhausted me. I can no longer do tasks I could do as a superhuman mom to twins. I am tired, worn out, easily agitated and prefer to be by myself more and more because I am ashamed of how I feel and ashamed of what I can not do well, anymore. I am exhausted.
With all that being said, cancer has picked the wrong person. Most days I am all about the fight. But today I just wanted to be sad and write and let you all know the effects that cancer can cause a person to ponder, daily, by the minute. It truly sucks. I am aware how very lucky I am to still be here and let you know how it can affect so many peoples lives. Just allowing me to write this with no judgement is what I truly need at this moment. Thanks for listening.
Cancer divides the people in your life into different subgroups: the people you knew would already care, the people who wouldn't care, and the people who would care when it was convenient for said person to have a clear conscience. I am not mad at the above, that's just what happens. That's just what any big event in any persons life can bring; clarity about friendship and the supposed Christians who have been a part of your life in some form. And I am aware of this division.
Cancer has aged me. I still find myself trying to find some sort of resemblance of the old me in the mirror. There are layers of peach fuzz that have covered my face post chemo. That has aged me. There are red, popped and damaged blood vessels that have left a stain on my face from the constant facial flushing from steroids and treatments. That has aged me. There are deep lines and discoloration, saggy skin from loss of collagen. The whites of my eyes are no longer the pearly white and more of a shadow of the white they used to be. That has aged me. I have always known such aging would happen. To have it happen earlier then expected in an unnatural way, makes it a little more difficult to accept and be comfortable with what I see. Yes, I realize I have been through a lot and I am beautiful the way I am and blah blah. But sometimes I just want to feel "normal" for my age. I want to accept my reality without hesitation. And I am not there. I thought I was. But I am not. And that has aged me.
Cancer has exhausted me. I can no longer do tasks I could do as a superhuman mom to twins. I am tired, worn out, easily agitated and prefer to be by myself more and more because I am ashamed of how I feel and ashamed of what I can not do well, anymore. I am exhausted.
With all that being said, cancer has picked the wrong person. Most days I am all about the fight. But today I just wanted to be sad and write and let you all know the effects that cancer can cause a person to ponder, daily, by the minute. It truly sucks. I am aware how very lucky I am to still be here and let you know how it can affect so many peoples lives. Just allowing me to write this with no judgement is what I truly need at this moment. Thanks for listening.
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