2020 is counting down. I’ve seen pictures around the world already celebrating. 🙂 For us, it’s just a few more hours in the big bucket of time and even when many are happy to have a fresh new year, I’m not looking forward to tomorrow. 

Tomorrow, on the first day of 2021, I’m going to start a new oral chemo treatment and it will last till June. It’s a drug with all sorts of side effects..the biggest ones are extreme fatigue, depression and skin peeling/dryness. The reason for this drug is the same as other chemo drugs, to kill any cancer cells on sight. It’s a good reason, a big reason. 

This last couple of weeks, my old chemo side effects have been slowly going away..I’m starting to taste food again, my hair is growing out and my mood is more balanced. Looking back, I didn’t understand why I was so listless, sensitive, and angry a lot of times.  I couldn’t do the things I needed or wanted to do. I was definitely emotionally imbalanced. It must have been a trying time for my family, and they all deserve a medal. I know, because I have been on their side before. 

My saving grace throughout the crazy times were my practice sessions with my ukulele. It saved me from sliding down too much into the abyss..a true gift from God, for me, it was just too coincidental that I picked it up just before my diagnosis.  Someone asked me once, why did I put up the videos of me performing. I gave a non descriptive answer..and a little shrug. I love singing and I miss performing so why not.  But I didn’t know then, that  when I set a goal to put a video up, it gave me the extra drive to practice and when I play and sing, it makes me feel better emotionally. My subconscious brain is so smart. 😂 Music does soothe the beast within. Certain music that is, some music is so sh**ty, that it’ll make the beast wishing it’s deaf. (My sense of humor is back too). 

It would be easier if someone else puts the chemo drug in me like my previous chemo infusion session.  Sitting in a plush seat watching movies for a couple of hours is great too.  This time around, I will have to do it myself and my whole self (body and soul) really doesn’t want to, so here I am..convincing myself that I have to do this while watching the sun slowly go down and 2020 slipping away.