Hospice Moment 2

From a Friend of mine.
For the Drs.
“Is it reasonable to believe I could be in less pain  or is it the trajectory of my illness that I be in increasing amounts of pain. Or is it reasonable that I should be able to control it. And….what is that pain?

Shouldn’t you just wait until the Drs. Say you’ve tried “it all” …Until the fight is done?

Another friend of mine it incensed at the thought I should feel guilty for not fighting the fight. You’ve been fighting since 2015. Isn’t that long enough? How long is long enough? She asks again.
I will say that operation to put pegs in my legs did make going to the commode a lot better.

Today, after my appointment I also had a gentle talk with another friend whose mother passed 10 years ago, also from metastatic breast cancer, and I have to admit, I hesitated. She was at a far different place in her life when she passed. I confess, I hesitated at the thought and dinged in on the thought of my personality flaw  - assuming that  I’ll be an eternal flip flopper in life. The fuzzy minded.
Problem for me? I see the trajectory of pain to be erratic. For John? Once and done?  I’m not sure. Haven’t I fought long enough?

What’s the best you could have come up with today my one friend asks?
Even if I accepted hospice today, the best I’d have come up with was a pain plan – winning or other.
Well, am I happy with my decisions today?
I am happy with a chance to use the pain information I’ve gathered today with my yesterday’s pain team and I am happy to enter a happier diologue with my partner and love of my life.
Friend one is delighted with my answer.
Friend two says: Haven’t you fought long enough?
My answer is to friend number one. I can tell you that I am incredibly angry at how uncomfortable I am right now!