It has been a long while since I wrote here. 

Living with a chronic degenerative illness brings about many challenges from the painful symptoms, the physical ones that take away your independence and the emotional ones that crop up in dealing with the uncertainty of this reality.

As a thirty plus year practicing Buddhist these conditions are also practice.

It has been a long while since I wrote here.

Although it was healing to see how people I knew were taking the time to connect with me thru this platform.  When I was released from the hospital I was told I had to create this blog, as an employee of a religious organization, so that the congregants would be aware of what was happening to me.

At the time I voiced my concern because this request of me felt invasive and a violation of HIPAA. How could you order someone to tell the world about their navigating illness?

The situation under that supervisor was extremely toxic. Including their spouse harassing me non-stop. I had almost two (2) years of emotional, verbal and sexual harassment in that congregation.

Any time I requested a boundary, spoke up, asked questions, offered a different point of view the bullying became even more blatant and harsher. I now know that those conditions of stress and trying to get my school to address and mediate the constant harassment were what caused another flare-up where optic neuritis blinded me temporarily and had me hospitalized.

In retrospect this was a great moment of learning even though it was miserable.

The reason why I say this is as a person of various marginalized identities navigating in systems has always been a challenging thing. Whether in the school system, medical, work sometimes being disabled met ableist norms. Sometimes patriarchal spaces did not reward the work of female individuals. Being a person of color met with having to do work extra and make no mistakes to be accepted. When navigating situations as a person who speaks Spanish being classified angry any time my tone or emotional responses would be weaponized. At this congregational site a play was being done for Hanukkah and out of a cast of 15 or so individuals the only person who was assigned a role from the first group email was me. The Angry Brown Latke and when I spoke truth to power and asked why else noone received a part in the play except me and specifically because this role seemed to amplify my ethnicity I received much emotional violence of gaslighting and aggression. Eventually after the play the person apologized but these behaviors towards me were something that most individuals in whatever system they are in if they are not part of majority then face these hardships.

This situation was a real life case study where with the support of mentors I learned to address in the moment. Which for me had always been a growing edge of having fear with people or institutions that held power over me. I had to grow to loose my fear and learn to ask for help, to speak with love and learn to track my emotional state.

It did take a huge toll on my health but with weekly counseling, having amazing mentors who walked with me to support me to address and navigate hardships were Rev Dr Hope Johnson, Rev Dr Qiyamah Rahman, Rev Bill Schultz, Rev Tandi Rogers and Rev Melissa Carvill Ziemer. I am grateful to all the wonderful communities I am a part of that held me during this time Radical Dharma community with Rev Angel Kyodo Williams, Beloved Community Journey, Love and Rage with Lama Rod Owens, Bhumiparsha community and mentor Repa Dorje Odzer, all of these souls walked with me, spent time listening and coaching me to directly address navigating what came up from this experience.

This all led to paths of study in grief and trauma and studying at Upaya Monastery. I had the gift of having Sensei Hozan Alan Senauke be my Spiritual Mentor. I completed Jukai ceremony last year and Roshi Joan Halifax is my Preceptor and I am working on the final building blocks toward board licensing as a Buddhist Chaplain.

For so long I would attend program after program trying to find the answers in how to navigate being in systems of oppression, survive and create change and it all loed that it was my own journey to learn.

So here I am with reduced eyesight than when I began this caringbridge. Here I am with reduced capacity for typing or holding cups. Here I am with reduced capacity of stamina. But I now hold a different capacity and strength I did not have before.

If going thru those situations means that I get to support and share with other individuals who face oppression in systems by being mistreated, silenced or ostracized then I consider it my life's dharma.