Hello dear friends and family,

Thank you for still reaching out and asking how I am doing.  Those of you who have walked this walk or any great loss, realize there is no easy answer.  Most of the time, I am "okay", other times, I am bereft, and other times, I still experience peace and joy.  I always used the words  "heart" and "soul" synonymously.  But I have felt a separation of the two.  My heart is sad much of the time, but my soul is still full of joy and peace, thanks to Jesus and the blessings and graces he has bestowed upon me.  

I have had lunches with 4 other widows recently.  We spent the time healing through our conversations and if I have learned one thing, there is no right or wrong way to grieve.  These women have been a source of strength and encouragement to me as I hope I have been to them.  I thank God for these beautiful faith filled woman fairly new to my life. I am also thankful for my family and friends who have kept me busy and helping to fill my days with joy.

I am sitting here right now, writing this because I have spent the last hour talking to Gary as I cooked one of his favorite dishes, my slow cooker bolognese.  I have not felt like doing much cooking.  But thanks to my kids who are great cooks, and all the gift cards we were given, I have eaten well.  I think I have not wanted to cook because Gary and I always cooked together and lots of emotions came up during the last hour.  First of all, Gary was a great sous chef!  If any of you know about Gary's cooking, he loved kitchen gadgets (almost as much as vehicles)! As I did all my prepping with his kitchen gadgets, I felt his presence and heard his voice many times.  "Don't use that sharp knife to lift the pull top ring on the tomatoes, use a dull knife."  Gary was always making sure we all thought of safety first.  I don't know how many times he said, "Situation Awareness!" to me and the kids.  It was a good hour talking to him.  And now, while the sauce is simmering for the day, I sit here writing rather than washing the dishes.  That is another thing Gary always did for me, washed the dishes.  Oh Gary, how I miss you in so many ways.

I was listening to Christian worship music, and the song "Scars," came on and it resonated with me so much.  First of all, as I have perused photos in my phone, all these pictures come up of Gary's multiple craniotomy incisions, his rashes, and his monthly MRIs.  I want to take these out of my photos but not necessarily delete them all together.  What a long, difficult journey that was, but it did not feel like it while we were in it.  I cannot believe the strength and grace with which Gary dealt with all his treatments.  He is truly a hero in my eyes.  He never complained and was so kind to all the time to everyone, especially the health care workers.  What an incredible man my husband was, and I am just in awe that he made the journey so fruitful.  We really lived a full life of love and joy during that time.  Anyways, this song put into words some of my thoughts and feelings.  Then I heard Gary tell me, that his pain and scars were worth it for the glory he is experiencing in heaven, and then he said "Tell them!"  So I want to share the lyrics and the link to the Youtube video of the song.