Journal entry by Matthew Haynie —
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." - Psalms 34:18
Yesterday morning, as I was preparing for work, I stopped to watch a music video by Bowen Hammit entitled, "Safe Right Here." This song was sung by an 8 year old kid who was about to embark on his third open heart surgery. For a myriad of reasons, the tears I had been successfully holding back came flooding through. This little 8 year old boy was about to have his third open heart surgery and was singing a song about having no fear because he was "safe right here" in the arms of Jesus. What a powerful testimony. And I knew, as I have always known, that our son, Gabriel, was safe in the arms of the One who created him.
Sitting on the edge of our bed, I stifled the tears and swallowed the lump in my throat. I kissed my wife and kids goodbye and drove off to work. In that moment, away from my kids and wife, I wept.
The 25 minute drive to work was filled with sobs. Why was it so hard to go back to work? Why was it so difficult to hold back the tears now? Being strong in the days following Gabriel's death was not easy but it wasn't this hard. I think there are a couple reasons it was so hard. And these are reasons I think anyone struggling with grief needs to know and understand.
Remember, healing is going to have to occur. If you do not make the attempt to heal the brokenheartedness or the crushed spirit then you will never get overcome this particular trial. It will affect all of your relationships. Think about that for a minute. If you cannot heal the brokenness then you stand a chance at losing more than just the child you bore. You stand a chance at losing your spouse, your children, your job. Everything you hold dear. A broken heart and a crushed spirit will devolve into apathy which will, in time, turn to anger and lashing out.
The good news is that the sacrifice of our Savior makes healing possible.
"But he was wounded for our transgressions, crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the punishment that made us whole, and by his bruises we are healed." - Isaiah 53:4-6
If we but humble ourselves before God and obey His commands we can be healed of the pain that threatens to tear our world apart. We can give over our loved ones to Jesus but we need to give our pain over to Him as well. Please comment below if you are struggling and need someone to talk too. Leave an email. I will contact you and pray with you. I will listen. Let me be a part of your healing process. Thank you for reading this and being a part of mine.
- A Nicu Dad.
Yesterday morning, as I was preparing for work, I stopped to watch a music video by Bowen Hammit entitled, "Safe Right Here." This song was sung by an 8 year old kid who was about to embark on his third open heart surgery. For a myriad of reasons, the tears I had been successfully holding back came flooding through. This little 8 year old boy was about to have his third open heart surgery and was singing a song about having no fear because he was "safe right here" in the arms of Jesus. What a powerful testimony. And I knew, as I have always known, that our son, Gabriel, was safe in the arms of the One who created him.
Sitting on the edge of our bed, I stifled the tears and swallowed the lump in my throat. I kissed my wife and kids goodbye and drove off to work. In that moment, away from my kids and wife, I wept.
The 25 minute drive to work was filled with sobs. Why was it so hard to go back to work? Why was it so difficult to hold back the tears now? Being strong in the days following Gabriel's death was not easy but it wasn't this hard. I think there are a couple reasons it was so hard. And these are reasons I think anyone struggling with grief needs to know and understand.
- In spite of the fact that we had given Gabriel over to Jesus, we are still "brokenhearted" and "crushed".
- There will need to be a time of healing and we need to accept that and embrace the healing process.
- What this looks like for you will differ from what it looks like for me. This healing process may encompass talking to your preacher, a relative or family friend. It may involve listening to music and many many tears. For me it is blogging and reading Scripture.
- Another reason yesterday was more difficult than previous days was that I was leaving my support group for the first time since Gabriel's death and it scared me.
- Again, this is natural. Accept it but understand that you will find a second support group within your work family. If you do not then you need to find a new job. Thankfully, my boss has been fully supportive of my family during this difficult period.
- Also, you need to understand that it will be very painful. I stopped at a client facility to visit our employees there. Upon entering the facility, one of them immediately said he was sorry for our loss and another came and gave me a hug. These will bring the emotions boiling to the surface. It will be painful. Understand they are truly and sincerely commiserating with you. You may need a few minutes to pray before interacting with your work family.
- Discovering that I had a new supportive group of people within my work environment made the second day back at work easier than the first.
Remember, healing is going to have to occur. If you do not make the attempt to heal the brokenheartedness or the crushed spirit then you will never get overcome this particular trial. It will affect all of your relationships. Think about that for a minute. If you cannot heal the brokenness then you stand a chance at losing more than just the child you bore. You stand a chance at losing your spouse, your children, your job. Everything you hold dear. A broken heart and a crushed spirit will devolve into apathy which will, in time, turn to anger and lashing out.
The good news is that the sacrifice of our Savior makes healing possible.
"But he was wounded for our transgressions, crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the punishment that made us whole, and by his bruises we are healed." - Isaiah 53:4-6
If we but humble ourselves before God and obey His commands we can be healed of the pain that threatens to tear our world apart. We can give over our loved ones to Jesus but we need to give our pain over to Him as well. Please comment below if you are struggling and need someone to talk too. Leave an email. I will contact you and pray with you. I will listen. Let me be a part of your healing process. Thank you for reading this and being a part of mine.
- A Nicu Dad.
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