Hi All,
Tomorrow will mark one year since Andrew passed. What a year, huh?
We miss Andrew every day, sometimes it feels like every minute of the day, but he would be so proud of where we are now. I look back at March and that last post and remember how raw it all was. We still have our moments, but we have turned a corner. I am also often reminded that Alexander and Cutlar are the best of both of us. We are strong, and we are resilient, and I see that in them. They are smart, funny, tough as hell and they are loving.
Grief is not linear, so we weather the downs and enjoy the ups. We talk about Andrew and talk about what he would say about things (politics, the meals we eat, the music we like, all of it), what he would like (the Halloween costumes that we are planning), what he would hate (the COVID isolation) and what he was like (awesome). We talk about missing him, and we talk about when we are sad, but we try not to dwell on what we have lost. We live life.
We have made the most of our lives while being COVID cautious—having yard visits with the Grays and my family, camping a lot, beaching it a lot, going on a fun RV trip to camp with the Grays on Lake Huron, going to the mountains and moving to Wrightsville Beach for the month of October.
I feel sad that Andrew is no longer with us to enjoy this life because he would have done so much with the additional time. He would have loved seeing the kids grow. Mostly I am sad for the kids not knowing him as well as I would have hoped and not having more memories of him, but we work on that. Our friends Stephanie and Julie made beautiful albums for each of them with photos and stories from Andrew’s friends, and our friends stay in touch and talk about Andrew with the kids.
For my part, I feel lucky to have had 20 years with Andrew. I focus on how incredible our time together was. Andrew was remarkable in so many ways, but the example he has given us on how to live, as well as how he faced his illness, is such a gift. I understand that we are who we are because he was part of our lives. I still draw so much strength from him.
Tomorrow we will be together, if not in person then at least in spirit. We plan to spend an intentional moment at 7:30pm once it’s dark, light a candle in Andrew’s memory and talk/commune/be with him. Please join us from where you are. Maybe listen to the beautiful music from his celebration of life (link in last post). Maybe talk to him about the crazy world we are living in, or think about what he would say about the president having COVID; the passing of RBG, John Prine, Toots Hibbert and the countless others we have lost to COVID. Let’s focus some good, intentional energy on the year ahead and make the most of it, as Andrew would have done.
Xoxo,
Stewart
PS-This photo of the two of us was from our downtown precinct in 2016. Andrew canvassed and I worked outside the polls promoting our candidates during each election since 2008. Make sure you vote this year and do everything you can to get everyone you know out to vote for good candidates. I worried about making this too political, but you know what? My man was political. So on his behalf I’m saying do your part and encourage others to do theirs.
