“It’s the circle of life and it moves us all through despair and hope, through faith and love, ‘til we find our place on the path unwinding.”  — Elton John

In April, I was in the hospital and I asked you to pray I could get well so I could take a luxury safari with my boys to build strong memories.  I went back to the hospital in June following a major health crash.  The doctors winced when I stated I still wanted to go to Africa, not thinking it was a possibility.  Once home, I asked one of the women, who was managing a lot of the components of the safari, what would happen if we had to back out.  When I found out our options I decided to not do anything.  We would have saved quite a bit if we were to back out at that time, but I mentally wasn’t ready to back off.  Fortunately I started to get stronger.  It was on the jet when I thought, holy shit this is really happening!  

Our trip to Kenya was absolutely amazing.  I have a very close friend, Flo, who said, “both families in five years, we go back?”  My reply was quick, we are totally in.  I would go back to different parts of Africa every year if I could. My manager has gone several times.  I make mental notes and think, I want to go there, oh and also there.  During the trip I was on maintenance chemo, which I actually was on for a full month before I left.  I felt better than I have in three years, which is when all of the diagnosis tests began.

I have now been on chemo three years if you count my six months from Non Hodgkin’s lymphoma, and now cholangiocarcinoma.  That two year anniversary from the current bout happened when I was on our safari.  I smiled when I was there. I kept the thoughts to myself, but I did think, “I am 18 months past the time when the one doc laughed at me.”   He laughed when I asked about what happens when I make it to ten years? Can I go back on the transplant list. He laughed and said he would be shocked if I made it one year.  Six months is more probable.  So my thoughts when I was in the middle of the brush in Kenya, “Hey doc, you have most likely written me off for dead, so I am sending love all of the way from Africa (my sarcasm is strong within).”

So that trip also turned into a nod to life.  And we saw the circle of life so strongly in Kenya.  Animals that were babies, animals in their prime, animals who visibly showed their battle scars and animals who just died.  

All four of us were amazed by seeing life through the beautiful landscape Kenya holds. However, reality set in and we had to come back home.  I went through my barrage of quarterly tests and all of my tumors grew in size.  Because of this I am still taking the maintenance meds, plus pump infusions of another drug.  My first round of that addition only had me really sick for about 24 hours.  Then came my second round...three days before my restart date to work (I was on short term disability over the summer to rebuild my strength and get some rest).  I was anxious to get back to work.  But for some reason the round hit me harder.  Chemo crash.  A full week of nausea, wretched migraines and the feeling I had physically put my body through three Ironmans.  I am now two weeks out and still have such extreme fatigue and nausea, but I am better.  Unfortunately it made me realize that I couldn't even go back to work if I tried.  When you are a workaholic, as I am (was) it is hard on the ego when you realize you physically can't go back, even though you mentally want to.  I miss my work team.  I miss celebrating successes and having someone curse bad decisions with me (because we of course never would make a bad decision...HA).  But it became clear I needed to stay on Short Term Disability, which will run through the beginning of December.  I hope we can figure out a way to build me back up.  My goal is not to build up for work, although if I could get there I would love that.  The goal is to get stronger so I can be there more for my family.  I live with three absolutely amazing boys .   They are my source of strength on this path unwinding.

Many people ask how Jacob and the boys are doing.  Besides being kind and incredibly smart (yes, al three), overall they are doing well.  Jacob still carries more than his fair share, but mentally I think he is on the same page as I am.  When I am in the car with just Charlie and Sam, they ask a lot of questions about cancer.  Charlie now asked specifically about me and cancer, not just cancer in general.  Sometime Sam will cut the conversation due to getting uncomfortable.  Charlie has always had a high emotional IQ, so he now asks me every day if it was a hard day or a good day, and it is him acknowledging that day by day sometimes I win and sometimes I lose to cancer.... but the battle will continue.  Because Sam is such a feeler, but has a hard time dealing with those feelings, I believe this is harder on him.  He sometimes will get red around his eyes and say, "You'll be with Lilly when you go to heaven?"  (our chocolate lab that died that was my shadow).  "I hope so sweetheart.  I hope so."  Now I am crying, so I need to wrap this.

The status is that I have had some tumor growth and I have a couple of new tumors.  They added a new chemotherapy infusion to my treatment regimen.  My body took to it okay for the first dose, but shut me down the second dose.  I am going to try the treatment one more time.  If I have another harsh reaction, I will choose to go back to just the home maintenance medication and let the cancer do what it will do, as quality of life I can spend with my family is way more important to me right now than longevity (although I still pray for both).  I am out of work until Dec. 1.  Leading up to that, we will determine if it is possible or not.  Again, praying to be the dark horse and show up at the last minute. 

So that is the balance of life and walking toward death.  You take hold and live out the moments you do have.  Hug your family, your roots, the family you started with and the additional family you built.  If you feel good for a moment, you grab someone from that family and you go make a memory.  Let yourself get lost in the moment more often.  When you have the hard days and you know the cancer (or whatever your mountain is) is winning that day, learn from that.  Learn that time needs to be spent wisely.  Your body is just the keeper of love, kindness and memories.  Life does not end when your physical presence is no longer visible; love, kindness and memories are still very much alive.  Know where you are on the path unwinding.  Know that both are possible- Life and gracefully walking a little closer to death.  I am still trying to learn this balance, but currently cancer is ahead so I use this time to learn and try to practice the lesson.

it’s the circle of life and it moves us all through despair and hope, through faith and love.

All of my love,

chelle    #fall7standup8.net