This might be the last post for awhile... And I thought it fitting to end things up with a revisit to the first post I ever made when I was diagnosed with melanoma. But this time it is happier than that time, but is also bittersweet.

I can say now that it is a happy birthday for my Dad that I can give you the news that your daughter won her case for SSI. And that I will be provided for by both being better able to support myself, but with also the things that are coming with Adam as he processes his Dad's estate. Not that any of us wanted this for his Dad...so this is very bittersweet in that regard. 

I am struck hard lately with the complexities of life, the value of relationships and that material things are just poor substitutes for the love of family and friends. I am facing my ugly demons that rear their head when I am sent spiraling into chaos and uncertainty. My anxiety definitely wants to control things, but there is not much I can really control. It is just happening, and I must swim or sink. And I am not exactly thrilled with my own reactions and character flaws that seem to pick the worst time possible to stick out like a sore thumb. But I can say that I am trying so, so hard with the best of intentions to be helpful and supportive to Adam and trying to do the right things morally and ethically. I'm just not very good at navigating gracefully these challenges we are facing right now.

I feel like the song by Michael Jackson "Man in the mirror" is pretty apt for me right now. I've been struggling for so long to get by, to do the right things, stand up for what's right. Now things seem to be in some ways better, some ways worse, but definitely changing, and I'm finding some ugliness to myself that I didn't realize before. I am a work in progress.

Foolishly, and many times before, I have thought...Things will just get better if only "X" happens, or if I fix "Y" about myself then I can call myself a good person. But again, I am finding that it really just isn't that limited to one or two things, and isn't that simple. And no one knows of the things that tomorrow brings, so it is important to be more careful about one's own choices and behaviors. I'm just so frustrated to find that even though I thought I was doing the right things, there are many ways I still come up short.

So, while my financial woes look like they are behind me now, and that I have the opportunity to explore how to support myself in a way that accommodates my medical needs...and have support until I can do so, I still feel tremendous guilt, shame, burden, etc...and that will probably sit with me for a very long time until I find ways to make peace with myself. And sadly I think that with everything that is happening around me, I will not be the only person who is left with so much to process and resolve. 

I ask for prayers for all of the family and friends affected by my late father in law's passing. And I praise God for the graces I have been granted and feel so very grateful and not even sure if I am deserving of. I am determined to live life fiercely and fight for long life and health in order to make the difference I was meant to make in this world. 

So this is the end...for now...
-E-