Well that’s a wrap! As anticlimactic as it seems, today is it. I’m done. This is a day I have been waiting for since this whole sucky cancer journey began. I guess some piece of me was waiting for a ticker-tape parade in my honor for enduring what can only be described as the suckiest, fuckiest, stupidest, meanist, most painful thing I’ve ever gone through (I gave birth naturally, twice ((not by choice)) so I don’t mean this literally but you get it). Also sorry for the weird profanity, but I enjoy swearing. I’ve been gone for awhile, not because I didn’t want to share, but I know now it’s because I was losing some of the fire that burned so bright throughout my chemo. Since I last posted I had a large chunk of my left breast removed, followed by a surgery to lift and reconstruct both breasts, and then as if that wasn’t enough 28 treatments of radiation. 

I’m too far removed from the surgery to go into detail. Your welcome, but sufficed to say it was hard and while Angelina Jolie was the goal for my new boobies sometimes it feels more like Frakenstein’s Bride. I know, what’s important is that the cancer is gone but im still vain in my perception of my body and a little pissed that my nude beach wishes might not ever happen. Just kidding Dad!

Now on to radiation. 100% do not recommend. As I mentioned early I had 28 treatments. They happened everyday Monday-Friday with a break on the weekends. At first it was just a nuisance and a little embarrassing. It seemed like most of my radiation techs were younger males and I had to go everyday and lay on a table with my chest exposed practicing some weird breathing thing. That weirdness quickly went away as the burns made their way in. Around the end of my third week I started noticing the burns start and fast forward to today it’s gotten really bad. I’m literally crying as I’m typing this. It hurts to lift my arm and my skin is so bad all over my left breast area, that I hide it from my kids and husband whenever possible.  My radiation oncologist told me that the peak of pain/redness/irritation will be five to seven days after today so I’m looking forward to that…NOT! But, say it with me “This will heal and I will feel better.” “This will heal and I will feel better.” “This will heal and I will feel better.”

So just to recap, since August I’ve had 18 rounds of chemo, a lumpectomy, breast reconstructive surgery and radiation. That’s it I’m done, I truly mean that in every way possible.  This journey has had its ups and a lot of down, and while I might not ever be able to understand “why me” at least I’m hear to keep asking that question. 

I had many cancer survivors reach out to me and offer their, never wanted knowledge with me and I learned so much from them all. One person in particular is the same age, had a similar diagnosis as I did and went through the whole shit show one year before I did.  I remember one particularly long phone call where she was describing the ins and outs of her journey and she stopped to tell me that she questions everyday why she got this and questions what she did that was so bad to deserve this awful diagnosis. Then she paused and said that if her struggles meant that she could help me in my journey than that would be worth it. So that’s it, that’s my mission. I’m not equipped to find a cure for cancer or discover the reason some people get it and others don’t, but if I can help one cancer patient with my story and honest depiction of what they are about to  go through, then that will have to be enough. I’m never going to get my questions of why me answered, but I will be here to hold the hand and listen too the next “me”. I wish there wouldn’t be a next, but as I walked into that cancer center so much this last month and a half I know that’s an impossible dream. So my ask for my friends and family is that:

1. Get tested, wether that’s a mammogram or colonoscopy, etc. it’s important do it.

2. Listen to your body, it might be whispering so you might have to listen for awhile but she will give you hints when there is a problem

3. If you encounter anyone that has been diagnosed with something similar to me please give them my number. It’s important to me that I pay it forward and since I can’t cure cancer the best I got is to impart my knowledge of this crazy process and help them be an advocate for themselves. My number is 815-621-4727

Lastly, thank you! Yes you! For following me on this journey and sending huge amounts of love and support. Whether it was a silent prayer, a special note , a hot meal, or a warm hug, it all worked. I got through this because of all of you. Special thanks, as always, to Derek and the kids who have been so amazing and great. My Mom, Dad and Jessie who have offered so much love and support. Jane, Steve, Dana and Brenda who have been integral to my healing. My two nieces and nephew for keeping me smiling. My work family who has been just that, a family and I’m so appreciative.

I’m going to go back to living my rather boring life on my own terms now. Love to all…..