Journal entry by Erik Olin Wright

I have roughly three weeks left of existence. Three weeks. Let's call that January, 2019. January 2019: my month, my last month. There can be surprises -- both ways of course. My liver is the main source of leukemia's havoc. It is greatly enlarged now, filled with AML. This is why I need transfusions of platelets and red blood cells every day. The graft did not survive the return of AML so it produces no products, and the AML-clogged liver seems to be filtering out some of the transfusions so I am not getting full benefit from those. The result is that my platelets remain extremely low even after a platelet transfusion and my hemoglobin remains very low even after a hemoglobin transfusion. So, eventually these become too low to sustain life, or an opportunistic infection does me in. The doctors say "a few weeks" -- a nice surprise would be to slide into February; my birthday is February 9. We’ll see what happens.

This is all hard to take in fully. I am not in great turmoil over dying. I am sad about many things, desperately sad about those connected to my family. But I'm not afraid. I wrote about this early on; my feelings haven't changed: I am stardust that randomly ended up in this marvelous corner of the milky way where some stardust ended up in conditions where it became complexly organized in a way we term "alive." And then even more complexly— conscious stardust that is fully aware that it is conscious:   amazing -- stardust, inanimate products of exploding supernova, organized in such a complex way that it is conscious of its own aliveness and consciousness -- the greatest privilege in the whole, immense universe. It may be for a limited time -- this complex organization ends and the stardust that is me will dissipate back to the more ordinary state of matter. Nothing to do about that. As creative fanciful minds, we humans are good at inventing ways for our existence as conscious beings to continue after the stardust dissipates. It would be nice. I don't believe in that sort of thing, but I'll find out  by some time in February.
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