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Hello everyone,
It’s been four months since dustin passed. I sure meant to keep you more updated on a regular basis. I know you understand but now I don’t know what to say because there’s so much.
I had many people in the beginning, when they asked me “how I was doing” Apologize right after for asking a seemingly silly question. I would always respond “That’s the most appropriate question because it changes so frequently” so please keep asking.
To answer it right now...I’m not good.
The last couple days I’ve cried silently and outwardly nonstop. It feels like a weight on your chest and you can’t breathe. While I’m not tempted to numb the pain with harmful substances, the hurt it’s so deep and throbbing that I understand the desire to do anything to make it stop.
Im in the stages of it’s getting worse not better.
Nothing can prepare you for grief.
Most days I still can’t believe this is real.
I just miss him soo much.
One thing I love about reading the Psalms it’s just how real the emotions are. There’s no restraint or need to first compose yourself for the Psalmist. But rather, raw unfiltered emotion of anger,fear, confusion etc. before God.
PSalm69:1-3
Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.
2I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.
3I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
looking for my God.
Psalm 38:9-11
O Lord, all my longing is before you;
my (A)sighing is not hidden from you.
10 My heart throbs; my strength fails me,
and (B)the light of my eyes—it also has gone from me.
Yet the hope comes after these lements. They almost always end with a “But God..” in some form and there in comes the hope. It settles, refreshes and calms the weary soul, my weary soul. Why? Because now more than ever I believe in a God that is no stranger to grief, he is collecting all my tears and one day there will be no more tears or pain or sorrow. The depths of my love for dustin was God-given and God ordained. We have a designer and a lover of our soul. It is the only thing keeping me from destruction.
on a practical note of how we’re doing here are some things that have changed.
1. The kids are all in school
- this was such a huge step for me and I was so reluctant in my heart. My brother suggested it first and I almost immediately knew it was the wise decision but wasn’t ready to admit it. For those of you who don’t know I have homeschooled up to this point and that has been my intention all along.
This decision was made for obvious reasons. For now I only can think through this year so I don’t know what I’ll do for next year. My intention would be to homeschool Helena and Uriah. And then continue Matthis and Phoebe in their Montessori Spanish immersion program.
The kids are enjoying school overall. There have been some hiccups but nothing too major.
2. How are the kids
-Im very intentional with talking to them all about dustin on an almost a daily basis. Reading their journals from him and reminded them how much he love them.
-Matthis was having night terrors which are almost completely gone now.
-Uriah has acted out more than usual but that seems to be calming down now.
Overall, they’re doing well at this point.
3. Future plans
- me and our business partner are hoping to sell our Airbnb property in mckinney towards the end of this year.
- if that sells, I will decide to rent out our property or sell it since our market is booming. I don’t need to sell the house but it’s a lot of property to manage ,at least at this point it’s stressful.
- i’m very thankful that I won’t have to work or change our lifestyle but I would like to look into an online business I could do towards the end of this year.
3. support
- Helena is in a grief program called Shift that’s for kids 1st through 12th grade. She really enjoys it and looks forward to going every week. The boys and I will do our grief program in the fall. I’ve waited to do mine because I really wanna do it in person and not on zoom.
- I still feel very supported by friends and family. I know I can call people very late in the night and I often have. I have even asked a few people to come over and just sit with me so that I wasn’t alone in the evening.
- Ive had many handyman come over and help with things I call “ not my department”😁 Many babysitters have helped. I was graciously cared for with meals for three months. Financial gifts that continue to humble me. And what feels like unceasing prayers, which mean the world to me, since I often feel like uttering the words is something I physically cannot do.
4. Big events
- I have made it through in this order
•thanksgiving
•Helena’s birthday
•Matthis’s birthday
•Christmas
•My birthday
• our 19th wedding anniversary
•Valentines day
and have not started drinking yet👍🏼
I so long for emotional stability and yet I’m doing my best to be gracious to myself and “ride the waves “as they say of grief. I am beginning to understanding that “getting over this” or “moving on” are terms that will never describe where I’m at in this journey. I will learn how to better “get on” with my grief and to “move with it” and that is what I hope to do in a way that is healthy for me and glorifying to God.
Thank you for caring for me and my family.
All my love, Elizabeth
P.s pics included are first day of school so funny, They look like they’re in a lineup and Phoebe’s the guilty one😂
and what was supposed to be everyone’s Christmas card, I was so close😏
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