It's getting close to that time of the year that we start reflecting on the past year and welcoming in the New Year. I have been thinking a lot about how this past year has changed my life. Changes are often looked upon has forks in our road and we have to make a choice...….. March 18th 2018 was not a fork in the road, it was a hairpin curve. I wasn't given a choice, I was just forced to follow the road laid out before me. A challenging journey, but challenge excepted!

Tomorrow marks 4 months since receiving the PET scan results of 'all clear' you are in remission. It was awesome news, but with the realization that journey was only just beginning. The 24th of this month will also mark 6 months since I finished my last round of chemotherapy. The week that followed that day will never be forgotten by me or Jen. It was, by a very long way, the worse week of my life! The physical demands and pain of chemo are the ones that are visible to the outside world. Weight loss, muscle loss, the look of someone that has been threw some shit. When I reflect, this is not the memories that come to mind first. The first memory is of the mental strain that one goes through. How the drugs (what seems to be endless amounts) effect your mental well being. The fucking that your mind goes through is something that I do not wish on anyone!

For the first time I will tell you all...………….. I wanted it to be over! I wouldn't say I wanted to kill myself, but I wanted the pain in my brain, the pain in my every thought to be finished. The only thought of a way to make this happen was to not be alive anymore. After 6 days of total anguish, I was admitted back into the James and placed on suicide watch. It was so very hard to be feeling like I was and to be able to still understand and see the fear in my wife's eyes. I was helped by, you guessed it, more drugs. But again mostly by the love of Jen.
The doctors and nurses all said that I was brave for recognizing what I was feeling. Jen said she was proud of me. I was really just scared that, for the first time, I wasn't strong enough to overcome an obstacle before me.

I no longer feel invincible. Don't get me wrong...……… I will still jump from a cliff into the water, I still want to go skydiving and many other things, because that shit is fun! I am just aware that I need to do many things now to keep myself in shape to do all those things.

Most importantly, I need to do many things to keep myself in shape for...…
….Spending as many years as possible with my Jenny.
….Watching my kids graduate from high school and college.
….Walking my girls down the aisle.
….Someday holding my grandkids.
….Watching my kids succeed in all that they do.
….For living our dream of living in our paradise.

I/we are trying to refocus now and lay down a plan for our next 2 1/2 years. We are sun and water people. The plan is to make a life for ourselves to have both of those things.

With the New Year arriving in a few weeks and as I sit here crying, I reflect on my fortune and I am grateful. I have been so very fortunate to have the best co-pilot one could have. I cannot begin to put into words the love I have for my Jenny. It is just as much, if not more, her doing than mine that we are where we are today and I am beyond grateful.

I love you Jen!

My love to all my family and friends! Thank you for your support. I wish you all a Merry Christmas and the best of New Years.