I remember being in the hospital with my mom back in December. She looked at me so sad and apologetic.  She said, "I'm sorry".  At the time I thought she was worried about inconveniencing me but I can picture her so clearly and now wonder if she knew how hard a road we were heading down.  She is still at Life Care in Medina.  She continues to struggle with anxiety and confusion however this has been an expected progression from what she was dealing with last year.  She also has been having increasing difficulty with swallowing.  6-8 weeks ago they updated her diet to honey thick to help with swallowing and prevent choking and aspiration.  Unfortunately, she is continuing to intermittently choke gradually more often.  There is nothing else they can do with her diet as she is on the thickest and they already make sure that she stays alert with eating, drinking and medications and that she is appropriately upright.  She officially had her hospice assessment  so that they can try to give her different medications to keep her calm that can be dissolved in her mouth instead of having to swallow them and the goal was to stop giving her medications that aren't essential such as vitamins to prevent choking.  Her diet will also be slightly different and allow a more flexible diet of what she wants/likes and can swallow appropriately.  I spend many nights just thinking of her.  Worrying.  Pandemic life has been a challenge.  I can not see her and worry so much that she feels scared and alone.  Attempts at window visits seem to fall through.  I always say it's Denise time.  She has to be awake and not agitated.  In the past, I have avoided Face Time visits as her care team and I didn't feel she would understand what was going on however I am going to do one hopefully in the next few days.  I am "on call" and will await her caregiver to call when she is awake and appropriate.  Hopefully this will be a way to connect with her and give her some comfort.