It was over a year of chemo, radiation, surgeries and sooo many days in the hospital. 

I was a working full time, taking care of a our three dogs, a horrible winter full of weather challenges and remained a rock beside my husband through it all. No mention here of the pandemic! I was an essential worker fearing each day that I would expose myself or whose, my husband Steve to the virus. I was strong while he dealt with each horrifying side effect and kept my mind clear of anything but him. 

Finally he is pronounced Cancer Free! 

Now we celebrate! Now we get back to living. 

The strange thing is that I suddenly have pain in my left shoulder. I bet I just strained it. 

My doctor runs some tests. Gets some X-rays. 

Hum. Some abnormalities. Sending me to see a rheumatologist. More tests. More X-rays and a MRI. 

The rheumatologist puts me on prednisone. 

As I wait. 

Not too long  of a wait and she tells me I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. RA. 

WHAT? I just had a sore shoulder and I couldn’t raise my arm up as usual. 

Now I have started a medication called Methotrexate. Once a week I take a few pills to get my body fighting this darn Rheumatoid in my body. 

Now he’ll has begun. 

I wake up exhausted. 

I spend my days trying to stay busy and not too much activity. 

At night I sit in hot baths or in our hot tub trying to relief the horrible pain I have in my feet. My ankles. My shoulders. My wrists. And strangely the worst is my elbows. 

I get cold and it’s hard to warm up. 

I get cold. The pain is worse. 

I get cold. I think I want to die. 

Trying not to voice all this to my husband. 

He doesn’t understand what’s happening. 

Trying not to let my depression take over. 

I’m blessed the last year was not like this for me. 

I write so I can get these thoughts out. 

I hope maybe someone can read and understand. 

I hope this may help someone else. It is helping me to let it out. 

Thank you for reading.