Six Months.... those words are difficult to say. The pain I feel now is so much different than 6 months ago. Six months ago I can only describe as acute. It was sharp and felt like every second, every minute, every day would be the last I could survive without you. Six months later and it feels different, not better, just different. This pain is chronic. The saying time heals wounds just isn’t true. Time alters wounds. Time proves that wounds are real and forever. Time does not fill the void, if anything it deepens it. The 6 month anniversary of you leaving us shouldn’t be any more significant than any day before, but half a year just feels more permanent than 1 month, or 2, or 3.
Tonight is significantly hard for me. I have been hosting most of the last 10 years worth of holidays. And every single one you would come over the night before. We would wrap gifts, get meals together, and play games and laugh late into the night. With our family Christmas tomorrow, tonight feels so empty. So very painful. This may be one of the most difficult nights of my life. You should be here. I wasn’t ready to let you go. I’m still not ready. I never would have been ready. I haven’t even began Christmas shopping because it feels so wrong without you. I haven’t began to cook for our family tomorrow. I guess it’s time to start, huh Mom? I know that I’m stronger than this. I know you wanted me to be stronger than this, but tonight is so hard.
If I could ask one thing of you Mommy... please give me strength to get through this first Christmas without you. I need you now more than ever. You are the one person who could help me through this, but the one person who can’t be here. I love and miss you so much. If only I had known last Christmas was the last, I would t have taken it for granted.
I am going to hug your Children and Grandchildren a few moments longer tomorrow. They are all we have anymore. We will try to smile and laugh. We will talk about you and most definitely cry for you. I know you’ll be watching down. Thank you for giving life to us. Giving love to us. Having faith in us. You were the most amazing woman on this Earth. I will see you again someday. We love you!
