Journal entry by Debby Larimer

Message this morning from my PCP.
Debby,
I am aware of your testing. Sorry to hear you weren’t feeling well. Unfortunately, it takes up to 7 days to get results. The results are still not back. For now, you need to continue quarantine. As soon as I see results, I will let you know.
Sincerely,
Sue M, MD

I was tested Friday for the Covid19 at the hospital. I was told to be quarantined at home until I get the results. I need to know when the results come in,because of those who have come in contact with me, my family and home health aids. I also need to know if the virus I do have is resolving as it should. I haven't been this sick in some time. 
I haven't had a fever since Monday night, just low grade (below 100), ..I still have some gland tenderness in neck and back of head. I started with diarrhea Sunday and it's still an issue when I try to eat. Last night I had toast and honey with apple sauce and that triggered it following eating. I still have pain in my face and headache that is sinus related. My voice is coming back. My cough is still very persistent and it hurts to breathe. I spoke to my dr from Palliative care on Monday because she was scheduled to visit but due to the concerns with her caring for other homebound patients with concerns we just touched base on the phone. 
I'm praying for the many physicians and nurses and staff who are at the forefront of helping people understand and heal from all health concerns, but especially during this epidemic.

Friday when my emergency button was pushed I wanted to do the right thing.  Those closest to me, perhaps some of you assured me online and on the phone that I needed to be evaluated. I knew when I opened my eyes Friday morning that I no longer just had a fever and a cold. I was weak and the symptoms were in my chest and I was struggling to move air through my lungs. I think of Paul (in scripture ) often not knowing what precisely what his struggle was,....


“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:8-10

My body may be presented as weak but He is my strength and I sense him making me stronger in the battles I face...whether physical, environmentally, or the struggles in life.. He remains strong despite any situation that may come my way.

I went to the hospital alone and actually our local hospital is not permitting any visitors to come in to see patients. It was also hard over the weekend here with the care team in my home. I had someone here during the evenings but it was my adult children who helped me when necessary during the day. There is fear in many people but this epidemic is not easy to work around. 

It cannot be easy for anyone to make crucial decisions because even if someone is young and healthier, they may live or come in contact with a loved one that also has a weakened immune system. Even though I don’t know my results, whatever caused the pneumonia, I feel that I am able to stay stable here at home. God provides all I need here.

Last Friday, alone in the hospital, I was hooked up to the heart monitor, pulse ox and an EKG and chest xray, blood tests, strep, flu and finally for the COVID-19. I was asked more about my heart and lung problems and again urged to get in at Hershey with my Sarcoidosis specialist.  I was stuck numerous times by a few nurses and I felt too sick to really mind. I was trying to will my veins to not roll.  They really have been collapsing from over use.
 I have been wheezing quite a bit so I’ve been advised to do breathing treatments 4x a day here at home.  I am tolerating fluids but not food as well.
My BP stayed high only changing a number or so. The dr said it could be all part of the illness. My O2 is up to 4 liters of oxygen until these symptoms resolve to keep my saturation’s above 90 for acute respiratory issues.
God has provided so many ways. I found a way to get back home from a young friend who was bold enough to come to get me. My adult children not only helped me, but have been reassured that “all would be well” no matter what transpires.

These past days the pain in my ribs, head and neck are quite sore. I may not be out of the waters yet, but I feel stable and not losing ground. I am not worried about my results because I feel his presence telling me to just rest. 

Gods word, his faithfulness with promises are pertinent for today. God “shows up” in ways that make His presence known. I know that healing is taking place.. I have questioned God and wondered why God heals some and not others. A story my dear friend from TN reminded me of.. it’s the story of Hezekiah in 2 Kings 20. He became sick and Isaiah was sent by God to inform him he was going to die. 2 Kings 20:1 “This is what the Lord says: Put your house in order, because you are going to die; you will not recover” Hezekiah pled with God to heal him instead of heeding God’s message to prepare, Hezekiah wept and pleaded with God.  God told him that his tears were seen and God added to his life 15 yrs. (2 Kings 20:5,6). But the Scripture tells us that during these 15 years, Hezekiah committed great sin and brought ruin on his house and the land of Israel (2 kings 20:12-19).Hezekiah showed off his wealth to the king of Babylon and that played a part in Babylon later destroying Israel.  He could have accepted the word of God that he would die and it would have spared Israel a lot of heartache.  Also during those years His son Manasseh was born and he was a very evil king, the worst king ever.  Great numbers suffered as a result.  

God knows what is best for us in His sovereignty and love....like a parent tries to do  what is best for their child.

God does not just focus on physical healing or length of our days but it’s the heart health. Samuel 16:7 says, “. . .man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” God knows our desires and we can ask in His name, but he sometimes answers as our Heavenly Father with, yes, no, or wait upon the Lord. My desire to be better, healed, cured or free of struggles may not be in line with God’s all knowing power for my life. He knows our true desires, and what’s best for his children.
Even Paul longed to be with God in heaven. When Paul was first imprisoned, he wrote to the Christians in the city of Philippi. He confessed that he was conflicted over the thought of continuing his life on earth or joining his Lord in heaven. “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith,” Philippians 1:21-25  I identify with the feeling of desiring to live a long life, possible room for more healing, but I know there is a greater joy in knowing someday, my Lord and Savior will carry me home to my ultimate healing. Earthly life is what is term-inal (Emily said it’s just a term in all when we talked about this word) Our new life here on earth and then in Christ is where He becomes our all in all. Absent from this body and present with the Lord. 2 cor. 5:8
The Israelites in Exodus 16, tell the story of the manna that God was faithfully providing but they grumbled and craved meat.  They thought they knew better. So God gave them quail and then they were glutens and many ended up dying as a result.  I think I can identify this with how God gives us what we need, or the discernment to take and expect what we truly need, rather than buying or storing up more than we need. It’s relevant. 
In these troubling days we can find powerful lessons about faith. The assurance for me comes in knowing that God’s timing is best. I don’t need to chase after a cure, or the right church, speaker or person, unless God prompts me to action. For example there is a lot of information circulating around the world as we are home during this crisis right now, but not all of it is accurate or not every home remedy comes from reliable sources. We can glean what is appropriate for our situation but we ultimately rely on God to work in and through this situation, even if we are affected. Faith and trusting can overcome our fears. He teaches me and you to take refuge, shield me from harm, and protection over us. When I’m all alone, or discouraged, I turn to the Psalms. When harsh reality is before me, I think of the gentle shepherd.. Psalm 23 is not about our departure as much as it reminds us “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want..” During this time of worldwide concern He provides...we are ok., all is well right now.  “He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside still waters; He restores my soul. He leads me in right paths for His name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I fear no evil”,...  He is with us. This is a Psalm of comfort to me. I have a precious friend named Grace that used to say this with me every night over the phone until I said it on my own. 
 Aren’t the scriptures there to reflect the honest experiences of those who have learned to live in interaction with God? They are present and precious to me. He is my living hope
Psalm 91, & 92 have been ringing true to me over the years and seem pertinent for today.  Others have validated that this is true for them as well right now. In this scripture I learned that the word pestilence is used over 80xs in the old and New Testaments ,If you look this word up (or ask Alexa) it means epidemic or deadly epidemic. We don’t use “pestilence” in our everyday conversations but it means something to us today.  In Psalm 91 it’s in there more than once, but it talks of God’s provision, protection and care. It occurred to me that the first verse is 91:1(911). It uses these words to tell me I do not need to fear....the words rescue, protect, answer (in times of trouble), deliver, satisfy, long life and show me my salvation.  Isn’t that awesome?  Psalm 92 goes on to PRAISE God...proclaiming His love in the morning and faithfulness at night.  This is a good practice during these conflicting times.
”Fear not for I am with you., be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10. This is a faith over fear verse as well. I noted, His righteous right hand in my Bible. Throughout scripture it calls God, a Just God. He isn’t punishing us, because we make choices with our free will.  perhaps we need to be stepping back and saying, Look at the sin in this world. It started with one person, just like this Corona disease has multiplied around the world but most likely started with one case.  God is in control, aware and cares. I have been seeking to understand these questions and searching too, but believing by faith what God is saying to me...Do what is good and well pleasing. God's plan and purpose for each and every believer is for His good, and for His glory (like in Romans 8:28).This includes all the suffering and tragedy that comes to us in life. Genesis 50:20 “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done....” God is compassionate and our struggles can teach our Spirit to exercise co-passion with others (see 2 Corinthians 1:3-7; and again 12:7-10). His perfect will takes into account our ignorance, our weakness, or sins, illnesses, even sins of others against us. ....to be searching more inwardly....Romans 12:2 “Do not be conformed to this present world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may test and approve what is the will of God”

Right now with this epidemic I feel He created the entire world but not our messes, not the choices. He came to earth to seek and to save,  We can pray ,’God heal our land’, but interdependently we need to work on healing our hearts and trickling down Gods love and kindness to others to make a ripple effect for God’s glory. He also knows that through adversity, our weaknesses, even our physical struggles that we learn to depend on him through the journey we are on. In his infinite wisdom He knows the choices of all people. He is not condemning our actions, He gives us  merciful strength to endure and wants me and you to correct our ways, if need be.  Psalm 46:1-3  “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.” and then at the end of the chapter verses 46:10, 11....He says, “Be still, and know that I am God.  I will be exalted among the nations  I will be exalted in the earth.” The Lord Almighty is with us  the God of Jacob is our fortress.”  But I don’t think He tolerates those who are leading this country astray and substituting God for self....wanting our own way. Sin has a rippling affect on each of our life. Every disease has a starting point, every virus, every lie, every anger word, We are all short of the glory of God that’s why we needed a Savior. . When I worked with children I would place a rope or piece of tape on the ground and ask them to try to jump from where they were standing at one mark to my mark or target. When they would miss the mark, I explained that no matter how good we try to be, how well we dress, how well we eat, or grades we get we will fall short. “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God” Romans 3:23

(BUT GOD) then says in next verse Romans 3:24.... “and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.” Jesus made a way on the cross so we won’t be separated from Him, but spend eternity with Him. So life will end in V for victory.

Why am I preaching to the choir ...myself because I am sick, and not yet healed but God is still showering me with His grace and mercy -down on me. I did not choose this body, I may have not always honored it, but God has propelled me further healing than any of my doctors imagined. He chooses to restore my strength, it really is a gift. God has whispered  to my heart to focus on this moment, be grateful, I need to do what you I know is right and follow him. He gets all the glory whether I improve or not. Romans 14:8 “For whether we live, we live unto the Lord; and whether we die, we die unto the Lord: whether we live therefore, or die, we are the Lord's.”
1 Peter 5:6 “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.”  This is assurance, this is submitting to His plan
I’m so grateful for those in the health care system, for all the deeply caring and healing work done, for the selflessness, compassion even in the worst of circumstances.
I’ll end here. Thanks for listening to what I’m learning. Thank you for your prayers. KNow I care for you.
I pray for your protection and please share anything you might want to add or if we can learn together. I pray God will clear up any spirit of confusion in these words.
I recently joined a free Bible social media group that has many different study options from a variety of authors and topics, even children and youth topics. You can also pray for others and interact.  Go to Bible.com  (YouVersion) https://my.bible.com/

Two songs that keep replaying in my mind
In Christ Alone
In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid Ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand.
In Christ alone! - who took on flesh,
Fullness of God in helpless babe.
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied 
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live.
There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine 
Bought with the precious blood of Christ
No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand
Till He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.


Heal Our Land by Micheal Card (National Day of Prayer)
Forgive oh Lord and heal our land
And give us eyes to seek Your face and hearts to understand
That You alone make all things new
And the blessings of the land we love are really gifts from You
If My people will humbly pray and seek My face and turn away
From all their wicked ways
Then I will hear them and move My hand
And freely then will I forgive and I will heal their land
Unite our hearts in one accord
And make us hungry for Your peace and burdened for the poor
And grant us hope that we might see
The future for the land we love our life our liberty
If My people will humbly pray and seek My face and turn away
From all their wicked ways
Then I will hear them and move My hand
And freely then will I forgive and I will heal their land
If My people will humbly pray and seek My face and turn away
From all their wicked ways
Then I will hear them and move My hand
And freely then will I forgive and I will heal their land
And I will heal their land
Heal their land
Heal their land
Heal their land
Heal their land
Heal their land
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