Journal entry by Debby Larimer

Bear with me 🐻 as I try to explain some things I am learning in this process.
One of my daughters and I were talking about a hard topic. She was distraught and desperately trying to see her concerns and situatipn in a way where she wasn’t running the opposite way from facing her thoughts, feelings and many questions.  I asked her to be bold and brave and just ask her question to God while she was crying and in emotional pain. She told me it hurt too much. I asked her if she could ask God the questioning thoughts running through her mind rather out loud. She nodded and I saw her tears get stronger and I asked her to try to bring Jesus, His Spirit, into her situation going through her mind. I sensed she was questioning or seeing a situation(s) in her minds eye. She uttered a bold question and I started to think how to try to FIX it. I can talk a good talk, but I knew I was being instructed within to hush and let her work through a layer. I prayed and asked God to enter into her question to comfort her, counsel her, and answer her with help in the right timing. I hoped for her heart and spirit that her Heavenly Father could help ease the burden and sting of the pain in her thoughts.. She was quiet for a moment and wiped her puffy face and began to lift her head. A longer pause and a few breatheless laughs and like parents wait for  the priveledge to witness...she went from sitting to standing and pushing on shoulders with both hands. She said in her unique way, “I felt this way”, pushing intently on my shoulders.....then quickly releasing and lifting her hands high, she replied, “Now I feel this way!” I could see relief. I was .’picking up what she was putting down’ She later returned and we were talking about something lighter and she calmly and in a comforting  way told me. “Mom, it’s like that verse that says, ‘See I’m doing a new thing’ “ then she asked Alexa to find the verse and we audibly listened to it. 
Isaiah 43:19
See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.“
I felt in my Spirit that I witnessed a mini miracles in both of our lives. I witnessed not just a release of pent up emotion, but I saw a part of her relinquish control over trying to work this out by pushing the questions deeper, but I saw her let go of what she could, then God gave her the insight to press ‘onward and UPward’. 
In my mind later some things dominoed together for me.  I have loved that Isaiah verse and found it healing in my own ways and others verses I have thought deeply about but my experiences feelings have not always grasped came together. Thoughts flooded my mind as to how these things made more sense. These are a few of the verses....
Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart  and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge * (absolutely submit) to him and he will make your paths straight.”  Or direct your paths.    * my emphasis and understanding
Isaiah 45:2_3 “This is what the Lord says: “I will go before you, Cyrus, and * *level the mountains. I will smash down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness— secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name.” ....
 Other versions of the Bible use the words *God will go before you and make the rough places, exalted places or crooked road straight....He will open the doors before us, so that the gates will not be shut. 

I Corinthians 10:13 “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”

Micah 5:4-5a (the storyline or context verses 2-5) “He will stand and shepherd his flock in the strength of the Lord, in the majesty of the name of the Lord his God. And they will live securely, for then his greatness will reach to the ends of the earth. And he will be our peace.”
I share this because I have had verses like these stumbling around in my head. I learn by my experiential moments in life, but more importantly, I learn when I’m lead to filter in God’s truth and living word in my circumstances.  I might highlight the things that emphasize that God is strengthening and straightening out my path but until the Spirit brings truth and collides my faith with a growing, wrestled with, knowledge....I don’t get it.  I may name and claim averse but until I grasp it (with God’s help) it may not make sense. This has been my experience and this has been something that has taken YEARS sometimes to GET it, as I clung and claimed I believed it.  Sometimes it has been painful, ohhhhh it stung, to look at it or face it and I have tried to stop the unanswered questions from stinging more because I did not know how to answer it for myself, my children, my friends etc so I compartmentalize it and ran in my my (and actions) the opposite direction from Gods clarifying truth, Then when I asked the questions, asked God to face the sting, and change my ways or direction He taught me what repentance was really about. For Christians, it’s turning the other way, reversing directions in your minds eye and then actions begin to become attitude. It’s not to condemn ourselves and God makes it clear that He doesn’t either. there is He does not condemn us (Romans 8)
I’m preaching to my own heart. When I was a teacher, in order to teach something I had to understand it, try to conceptualize it, or use my experiential knowledge so what I was teaching made sense to me or I struggle to come along side a student. I now can not multitask or carry out things unless I rehearse my next step or task. My body functions much differently. My body has changed but my mind is being renewed.  I think this can be a misconception in society that disabled, chronically ill or those with long standing diseases or those that need adaptive devices in society can no longer grow, prosper or live fulfilling lives until they are healed physically. I believe miracle happen but when complete physical or even mental healing does not come about that their is a flaw. I claim and believe in healing, I read, watch video about it but I feel that miracles are sometimes an inward action too. We are all on a path, with plans and decisions but there isn’t a definition that says that health or limitations or obstacles in society make us less. It just means we can accept our limitations. We all have them
 Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” 
He proved again and again how faithful and true He is.. Sometimes fear bullies me into wanting to feel like I want to take back control of my thoughts, broken ways of coping, and my life and the road I want to take.. What may be used as comfort can become like an idol when God has a and consumption my way of life, let the crooked consequences of life deepen my hunger for you.
On Wednesday, I had an appointment at Penn State Hershey Medical Center.  It was a struggle within to return to a place I spent time in for more specialized care for about 7 years here before transferring my care to a local hospital when I was placed on hospice. I was filled with so many mixed emotions about returning and traveling but I knew it was a direction I felt directed and i was hopeful for a new perspective. A friend and her daughter and my newest care worker loaded up. We broke up the trip and arrived in good time. I enjoyed the conversations in the car and time out but I was already feeling wornout. The medical center looked like it expanded and doubled in size.  The extra time the driver planned was wise because parking and getting to the right office took time. I needed to take extra supplies, medical records, wheel chair,  three extra oxygen tanks, and tools to assist with transfers etc. we were glad we had back up items because the tool to open and close the 02 tanks broke when we arrived so it’s good to carry spare items.
I was meeting at a new urolology surgeons office. The only information I received was that he specializes in neurogenic bladder. I wasn’t even sure of the name. The referral was made and I had disc and paperwork records with me last week. Even the records needed a separate floor to get them situated. The disc the local hospital prepared would not upload.  It didn't seem to matter because when I got situated in this doctor’s office,  In fact all the paperwork I filled out was not looked at by the doctor. He came in and explained the way he would like to start fresh and gather the information from me. He led the appointment by asking questions and taking notes. He did a neuro check and listened to lungs, heart etc and examined my pelvic area.  After this, he shared HOPE that I may have some better options or trials after testing is completed. He also explained why he believed some of the treatments and procedures in the past couple years may have failed to improve or help. My local dr tried to help by bringing me into hospital to attempt to paralyze my bladder a few times but it did not bring relief.  Because the problems and  pain are not coming from the spasming but from the complications of neurogenic bladder and my nervous system? His new advise gave me new confident feelings. I have a test scheduled for March that will give the doctor some necessary information. One hopeful discussion I can make with this appointment is to replace my SP permanent catheter with other options..  
Pray please for Jennifer. She is struggling with pain and her oral surgeon appt is at the end of February because her oral surgeon being sick in Jan.  Her new dentist has reassured her that they are available to assist her over the phone and they won’t treat with antibiotics if she does not have a fever or swelling. Hopefully the pain will not continue. She is taking medication according to the doctors instructions.
Thanks for listening to me sort out my thoughts.  Thanks for praying for my family members and for being part of the twists and turns of this journey called life.
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