Our church is close to our home and I am so thankful for the way they abound in love. I felt this acceptance and love. This past week, I was able to get the batteries replaced and recharged in my powered wheelchair and we all attended a worship concert at church.. It has been awhile since I made it to the church.. I didn’t realize how much I missed the fellowship. It was hard because my pain with breathing was difficult. I could not sing the way I wanted because my lungs are taxed. You just don’t realize the capacity your heart and lungs have until, it’s gone. I only interacted with a few people but at the close of the concert a friend invited me to the altar. The last few days I have been very discouraged after my recent hospital excursion. I just wanted to be around hope and away from the discouragement that was lingering on. When the concert was concluding, they invited people to a time of prayer and some dear friends and my children prayed over me. It felt more like God uplifted my Spirit reaffirmed that I was in the right place. The words that were prayed were so accurate. I tried to drink in the healing words and prayed for healing to come and Suffering to end. I see Gods healing in my life but I do not see my suffering as mistake nor do I feel, because Im sick that there is an absence of God’s grace.. he’s present in my journey, my pain, as well as any healing. As these precious people prayed, I could feel our lives overlap. It is Inpain that God is close., .Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” My struggles and others needs there at the altar were authentic and real. No matter how many times many times I pray, “I am healed,” I recognize God is lisRoll away sorrow, take away pain..lord I want to be free
The weariness was a struggle to go tonight
I relate to others struggles and pain. I feel their pain as I relate in the only way that I can. I see others who are conquering bigger giants and it helps me often put things in perspective, My heart of hearts holds on to hope because I see all in all that I’m not alone. God has not forgotten or left me on my own even when that feeling creeps. Whether physical, mental or experientially, some days (or seasons) are tough. With my life experiences and battling this disease for almost 13 years, I have learned so much from each of the people I have met or connected with. I am so grateful for that, I just want to get to a place where I can be of use again. I desire to be connected in ways that will put me back in the roles that brought me much joy in community. I am a people person and I miss those connections that help with a sense of belonging and community. I am glad that I am here and able to express my desires for a life more abundantly. Yes I’m one of those annoying people who writes my feelings in long drawn out ways, but God Never wastes our pain or the journey. Jesus is present I Suffering and pain. I want a God to take it all away and I do believe that God is indeed healing me. I am nothing without Him, my security is in the work of cross.
I know I posted the other day about my stress test that landed me in the hospital. Since that day I am wresting because I am just so tired. I want my body to bounce back. I want to be transitioning from years of struggle and high needs to the Debby I once was. I continue to want to step up on the precipices of this life and regain my confidence and rise above...not fall backwards. I want this for my adult children too, I want God to do this for others who are hurting. It’s hard right now to tell myself or others that He redeems us from the pit, buts it’s true. His sovereignty can be trusted even when my heads not camping there.
My heart issues seem to be connected to my lungs and restricted breathing (and Sarcoid). So far there Since coming home from my hospital excursion the other day, I went from finding those miracle moments to a debby downer and downEr..
I really dislike hospitals and when you have two cardiologists that tell you to go, what are you suppose to do. I feel like it did not solve anything, except to tell me what was “maybe” happening. Some things I don’t want to know what’s happening either! I just want to be HOME. I did breathing treatment there and here but my lungs are struggling. I was directed to consult with my critical care pulmonologist soon and family dr. The symptoms and diagnostic codes pile up and you start to feel list in the system, along with seeing your children in the same situation.
Let me interject something positive ...my cortisol levels came up, making it possible to reduce the steroids after many years. This was a good message from my rheumatologist just after learning this, my urologist also called Friday morning to tell me that there is not much more she can do to help me, except what we have tried. The new medications I wax to try, no longer seem appropriate. She recommended not pursuing the new medications. I have neurogenic bladder and kidney problems. She said the nerves and muscles have to work together and they are not. This catheter also feels like a very painful ball and chain socially and medically. I’m stuck with it and I don’t like it. I continue to get infections and I'm colonized with Pseudomonas which isn’t uncommon when you have spent time in hospitals and have a catheter for past 8 years and infectious disease consults with a few other doctors I see to determine which ones to treat. Antibiotics are now more limited because of drug resistance. I know that with deleted immune system the infections can be stronger.. I have a subrapubic catheter in lower abdomen and I spasm terribly and when they come on I have also can be incontinent of bowels. This has been hard with the nerves misfiring and the changes that have happened over the years limit me. This doctor of 7 years first suggested going to a diff hospital farther away, like Philadelphia,
I traveled this road during the first 6 years and I no longer desire to travel again....that ended with hospice. I was so sick and travel took a toll on me and my drivers. I am the only parent and I need to be home and save my strength to be there for my 4 adult children with their own special and medical needs. I have no family that can drive but I do have . My urologist mentioned a radical surgery to have my bladder replaced with a bag this morning and I refused for now because for me, the invasive surgeries over the years have made things harder for me to recover or more complications. I don’t want to try anything that is not of necessity.i do have surgery next month to expand my esphogas and another GI procedure, then in Fall the urologist wants to retry the procedure to paralyze my bladder again.
When I was dx with Neurosaroid at Hershey they discovered damage my spine and from that point my brain gets messages mixed up and everyday is different. The majority of the pain I experience is nerve related yet there is muscle wasting and autoimmune soup.. None of us are immune from hard times or pain. When it is all so big inside, (the giant, and the fear) It’s a struggle. He says He is bigger. I wish I could tackle this now.
I feel like I was making steps forward and now I’m flat again trying to recover I know things could be worse but that doesn’t help right now
When at hospital they were primarily concerned about my lungs and heart but couldn’t do anything acutely.
Just as sure as the sun rises every morning, it breathes new hope and offers a fresh start every single day. Redeemed. Loved. Called. Restored. Cherished. Strong. Joyful. Hope-filled.
I am really grateful for a lot and fortunate to be where I am...with children and God has
. We may not understand it all this side of heaven, but God is always faithful. And He can do in just a moment, what it might take years for us to work through on our own. God’s power is still greater than the works of darkness and far stronger than anything we may face here.
Through hard places, God brings us to deeper humility and dependency on Him.
provided for us all these years, but I can’t get out of this funk. Lord lift me and any of my friends out of this and into a greater purpose and blessing up ahead. Restored. Redeemed. Renewed. Repurposed.
How can you relate maybe or how do you fight discouragement? Please share with me your helps and truths, how you persevere?
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome[ it. John 1:5
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the LORD, ‘My refuge and my fortress, My God, in whom I trust!’ He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge...” Psalm 911,2,4. (A favorite Chapter of mine)
His Presence covers us, goes before us, and hems us in from behind. God never asks us to go it alone!…
Ah Lord GOD! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and by Your outstretched arm! Nothing is too difficult for You.” Jeremiah 32:17
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am 2 Cor 12:9-10
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning, great is your faithfulness."Lamentations 3:21-22