Early yesterday afternoon I started to feel the ground beneath me crumble. It was one of those life changing moments where you knew what was about to happen to you, would change you for the rest of your life.

I watched my dad continue to decline. That old wooden coaster we were on was only going downwards now and sometimes at a speed so fast that all I could do was hold on for dear life and close my eyes! 

I knew the end of this coaster ride was nearing, but honestly.... it wasn’t ending fast enough for me. My rescue mission had ended a few days ago when hospice was decided on. As hard as it was, I had changed my focus on my dad’s end plan. 

Everyone kept telling me throughout the day to think about going home. That most likely he didn’t want his daughters there to witness his passing. My sister decided to come back up to the hospice house around 9:00 pm and I pleaded with the nurse to please let the both of us stay in his room.

Covid-19 has taken away so much from my family and I, and they only wanted one person in the room with him.... the other would have to stand outside his window. I actually got in my car and went home for about thirty minutes before my dad took another decline and the nurse told my sister to have me come back up. When I arrived again, she looked at me and said “it’s going to happen soon and I don’t have the heart to pick which sister must go outside and stand by the window, so gown up and go be with your dad.”

10:30,11:00,12:00,12:30,1:00,1:30,2:00,2:30,3:00,3:30...... we were living our life in thirty minute increments. I never want to relive what my sister and I had to go through. Every thirty minutes they had to push medication to help with pain and breathing. Every thirty minutes the nurse stepped back into the room, another decline had happened. 

3:43 am, my sister and I held my dad and watched him take his final breath. My words to God all night were “God show up, let your angels appear.” I watched with eyes full of tears for God and his angels to arrive. I wish I could say there was some magical moment or that I felt held and at peace but there wasn’t. Just two broken little girls who made a promise to their daddy that they will be okay. 

I don’t know how one begins to overcome the trauma. Today has honestly just been a blur and I’ve been mostly numb. My husband has held me, my little guy has made me laugh when I didn’t think it was possible to do so, and I’ve managed to sleep some. 

I had some deep discussions with my daddy yesterday. I’m having to have some deep discussions with God today. I don’t understand this outcome. I don’t understand why he allowed so much pain and suffering. 

What I do know is this.... my daddy is the strongest person I know. He fought until the very end. He wiped away my tears and held my hand even when I should have been the one comforting him. He made me feel loved. He laughed at me every time I would say “I’m still here daddy.” We were a team. We did not lose this fight. He won! His life is so much better now, and his little girls will pick up the shattered pieces and hearts that are left behind..... because we get our strength and our courage from him. 

I miss him so much already. I physically ache for him. The days ahead I will have to relearn how to live in this crazy world without him, and that’s a scary thought. No more doctor appointments. No more hospital commutes. No more fighting. Finding a new normal will be tough, I know..... but in all of this, all I ever wanted most.... was to be his little girl. 

So God..... I’m stepping off this wooden roller coaster now. I’m accessing the damage, and again asking you to please just show up.