15,888 days ago Dan and I were married. 182 days ago I walked in to his hospital room to celebrate our 43rd anniversary only to discover that he had taken a horrible change and I was losing him. 17 hours later he was in glory and I was in a tailspin of grief that I had never imagined. In these 6 months hardly a day goes by when someone doesn't ask me--how are you?  And I say, fine.  I guess considering my circumstances, I am fine.  I have pastored the church God has called me to through Christmas and Easter and a pandemic!!  I have kept up the house and worked through piles of paperwork that comes along with death.  I have enjoyed friends and family.   I have been blessed by a wonderful support system and most of all, with the presence of God in my life on a moment to moment basis.  So, I thought I was fine.  
One day in February, God was very clear that I should plan a sabbatical for the month of May.  I planned it with much prayer and thought. A trip to Seattle for a week or so, days at St. John's for some Spiritual Direction, time at some cabins offered by friends, reading, writing, resting, biking.  In the process I was reading some good books on grief and anxiety.  I was shocked to realize that I was checking off nearly all of the symptoms of both. The books also said that some of this starts occurring around 4-6 months after the loss.  Check!!  So, for the next 6 weeks I am taking a leave from my work at Rice Creek and because of the shelter in I will be doing it from the safety of my own home.  Again, God knew that I needed to stop avoiding the reality of my new normal and that it is a big deal to lose the love of your life.
Through these 6 months God continues to make his presence known through friends, devotionals, prayer, music and mostly His Word. 
I continue to claim Isaiah 12:2 God is my salvation.  I will trust and not be afraid for the Lord is my strength and my song and has become by salvation. 
Psalm 46 has a similar message and I have been reading and meditating on it weekly I invite you to do the same in the midst of the chaos we are living in right now. This is the Psalm where we are encouraged to "Be still, and know that I am God!" And it closes with "The Lord of Heaven's armies is here among us; the God of Israel is our fortress."
I could literally go on and on with the assurance of God's presence and salvation. I just wanted to check in after these 6 months and let you know that I am fine---as fine as I can be.  And that I am taking some time to self-care and learn more about this new normal. I have been supported by so many of your--your prayers, cards, emails, calls.  Thank you so very much.  
Love and blessings, 
Toni