February 11, 2020

It’s another day, same problems. I’m so thankful of my work family because my head spins daily with phone calls, appointments, and to-dos. Today I decided that I should go ahead and get my new REAL ID (star driver’s license) while I still have hair. Im also thinking that I need to have the Valentines gifts ready and Easter baskets ready just in case I’m not capable later on. When you start thinking about death and sickness it’s funny the things that pop up in you hamster wheel of thoughts. On January 30th I went to Cool springs to meet Doc Mary Eggers. If I have to go through this process, I am so happy she is my specialist. In her field I know empathy and elegance are a must, but she really is the mold of excellence. At this point I’ve been naked from the waist up enough I’m starting to get use to it, lol. And I just so happen to always be the one who gets the medical student assistant for my appointments, lol. The student was a young woman who seems very kind and gentle. The exam started as usual, with multiple questions that I have already answered, but with Doc Eggers it was more of a conversation instead of a checklist. Then the exam...well it was basically the start to a porn movie that is out there somewhere I’m sure. Topless sitting on the exam table with a professional on each side of me examining at the same time (5 and 6), comparing findings, and assessing each other’s opinions. As weird as it sounds in this situation they both actually made me feel calm and normal. I could tell through their attempts at “normal” conversation there was concern. Doc Eggers, long story short lol, asked me to stay for yet another mammogram that will be more centralized and focused for her to asses.  During the next mammogram, I started to find my situations comical if I could. This tech nurse was a cute little woman whose height came up to my breast. She (7) was so kind through the experience and again, no pain. I waited around to make sure that the images were ok’d by the radiologist and then headed home. Doc Eggers called me that evening at 5:30 herself to just check in with me and let me know the mammogram images came out well and that I would get a call for the biopsy appointment because she too agreed it was needed. 

On February 4th, Scott and I drove to the Vanderbilt Breast Center in the One Hundred Oaks Center. In terms of a biopsy the experience went well.  All nurses were great and caring.  The biopsy was like having a Scientist push a tool inside you and search for alien markings. The initial numbing needles hurt a little like intense bee stings. But after that I only felt pressure. Like an epidural during pregnancy. I could watch the whole procedure being done on the ultrasound screen which was a little intriguing. For the location in my breast, the Doctor (7) inserted his scope with a little claw at the end and took 6 samples from that one spot. He would get it to the spot he needed and then give me a heads up as he pulled a trigger and the claw would make a loud click. He then moved to my underarm area where he sampled another 4 times from my lymph nodes. After he took all that he needed a small clip was placed in each area so that any future images or scans would indicate the “problem” biopsy areas. After he was finished they temporarily bandaged me up to help the bleeding and then I had to do yet another mammogram to insure the clips were in the right place. The tech nurse (8) again was great and this was a low compression mammogram. At this point in a matter of 4 weeks my breast had been fondled by 8 different people and yet no answers! I started to feel like this alien identity would kill me before we knew anything. The after pain was bare able but intense at the same time; I think mainly because of the location of both incision areas.  It took a sold 3 days to be able to move more freely. I tried to go to work the next day but left early. The whole time the waiting game was always the worst in between appointments but this wait, after the biopsy, was the most dramatic wait of all. Every time the phone beeped, chimed, or rang my heart stopped and then panicked. I had picked up Callin early on Thursday the 6th and we were headed to pick up the girls next from aftercare. Before we got to the girls I got the call from Doctor Eggers. I think it was a blessing to have Callin in the car so that I kept my composure to drive and take the phone call. When I think back to that call it seems muffled in a sense. Like I was outside my body hearing the conversation that I was involved in. That is when I got the news of my complex situation. 

We haven’t told the kids anything as of yet , but I know Olivia senses something is wrong. As of now she thinks the biopsy was to test me to see if I’m an alien, lol. She didn’t believe it but that’s all she knows. When my mom and dad were leaving they cried and that concerned her as well. I just told he they were sad to leave. Callin caught me crying in the bathroom one time, and I just told him mommies do that from time to time; which isn’t totally untrue right mommas?!  This week I have an MRI tomorrow and also sit down with Doctor Eggers and then on Friday I see Doctor Rexer the oncologist. After this week we should have a plan of action to attack this so I want to be able to give that information to Olivia when we talk. The other two of course will get a different level of conversation.