With all that has happened in the last three years it's hard to remember just how challenging this journey has been. I don't remember most of what we've been through though the scars and my medicine cabinet (and my lack of meaningful eyebrows due to chemo) are certainly physical reminders. Maybe I don't want to remember it all though.  Instead, now more than ever, I want to remember why we've journeyed this way, fighting so hard, for so long. Right now as I write this post, cancer has reappeared with an infuriating persistence and I have been moved from the curative path to a palliative path. That means we're not hoping for a cure anymore.  But we're looking for gaining more time...quality time.  So now I am thinking about the "why?" again...so I can imagine and work towards the "what?" my life will look like for the remaining time I have.  Nicki and I talk each day about what it means to balance our quality of life with the quantity of life we have left.  As many of you sadly know, cures in cancer require tremendous sacrifice in terms of quality of life.  Aggressive surgeries like the unsuccessful one I just had a few weeks ago to remove cancer require so much to physically return to basic function, chemo can pitch anyone into a deep, dark abyss, and the everyday struggle of physical and mental exertion has been exhausting these past years.  My doctors have told me many times that it is a miracle for me to still be alive today. I hope to not squander that miracle. While I might be sacrificing the quantity of life I have ahead by moving to this new palliative approach...I may be able to gain in the quality of my life. But I think I have to be thoughtful and careful about what that means. So, I am asking for your help once again and like a good(?) teacher...I have an assignment or homework for you if you are willing. More on that below...

We've been in crisis mode for so long now, fighting cancer yes, but working through all that comes with fighting this terrible disease.  We've looked for moments of beauty and light along the way.  We've been gifted by the universe moments of joy and fortune. We've been infinitely wrapped in the love and care of our community. And we've gotten to know about what it means to navigate an ugly universe that is filled with sadness, heartbreak but also a beautiful universe that is filled with unfiltered joy, love, compassion, and care. I am filled with gratitude for the time I have been given already.  My life has been truly blessed and wonderful. I want to be able to continue to be grateful...not angry.  Kind and helpful...not selfish. Part of the world...not isolated and lonely.  I want to keep learning and growing...not just waiting. Most of all, I want to keep creating my legacy in the universe so that when I am not here physically, I am still here in countless other ways.  I want this for Delia and Hazel.  For my sweet, beautiful wife.  For my family. My friends. For the people who care about and who (surprisingly) have come to love me. What legacy do I work towards now that is meaningful, helpful, useful?  What effort will bring joy and purpose and life to me and the world?  How do I spend my time? 

The assignment:
I truly hope you will please consider helping me once again...it would mean so much to hear your thoughts and wonderings and ideas. Please also consider sharing this caringbridge site (and ultimately) this assignment with anyone who know me but might not know this site exists or who I have lost touch with. For those of you who read but who haven't commented yet...this is your chance.  You can complete this assignment to help me in any number of ways. You can write a letter...I love getting mail and I want to start writing physical letters each day to the people I love and who love me (PO Box 332; Telluride, CO; 81435).  You can email me: bergstromnoel@gmail.com . You can text/call me (970-708-2116). You can come visit, hug, walk, and talk with me. Or you can simply and easily reply below in the comments section.  Or... you can do a combination of these options, which is preferred! 

Here's what I'm wondering: There's a country song about what you'd do if you had a week left to live. There's movies about this too (The Bucket List). You've probably even wondered this as a campfire conversation. I don't want to think like that though...I find those answers to be too immediate and so they are often selfish and superficial.  Yes, I could go skydiving or ride a bull name Fu Manchu for 8 damn seconds (that's the country song by the way) but how does that help me leave a legacy that impacts the world?  What I wonder instead is what YOU would do if you had 5 good years left to live?  Would you quit your job, change your job, or keep working? Where would you want to be and what would be important to YOU to be doing? Who would you want to spend your time with?  How would you spend and fill your 5 years of days and nights?  Where are you, who are you with, and what are you doing when you are most happy and satisfied with your life? What are the distractions that pull you from your best life? What would your goals be so that you could leave behind a legacy that people would smile at, take comfort in, and draw inspiration and strength from after you were not physically around?

Here I have to Thank You again...for your willingness, for your ideas, for this and for so much of your help and time.  I want you to know, your love and care is not lost on me...it's simply and beautifully, the reason I'm still here. I look forward to hearing from you all.
With Love,
Dan