Rylan turned 4 in July. My little blonde haired sweetheart. I remember the first weeks home from the hospital how he would not come sit with me and he was just so reserved. It was extremely painful for my leg to hold him on my lap so I rarely did but how it grieved me! Well, he is no longer reserved. He often clambers up on my lap or beside me and sometimes even gives me a big hug. Sometimes he even asks to be held. And it makes my heart so happy! Also Carly has just recently learned to ride her bike without training wheels and she’s so thrilled! I mention these little milestones because I often feel so thankful to be here to celebrate them too and I treasure them more!
Several months ago, it seemed I had a bit of a cloud over me. I felt so unfulfilled and so restless. It’s kinda hard to describe what I felt. I’m sure it was a mixture of the results of the trauma of my medical crisis and all the turmoil caused by covid and just a little of everything but I feel like a lot of that has left me. I still have days that the feeling comes but it’s getting less. Not that I wasn’t thankful for all my blessings at that time but just kinda felt like something was missing and I needed something more. Sometimes I feel like I need closure with everything that has happened but I don’t know in what way that would be. Gary told me a couple weeks ago that other people have things in their life that they don’t always have closure for and life just has to go on without closure. Sometimes it feels like it’s bad timing for covid to come along so soon after my hospital stay but it would have been 20 times worse if my health crisis would have happened during covid!!! Definitely timing could have been so much worse! It still makes me panic to think of Gary not being able to be there with me. We aren’t even sure if I would have survived if it would have happened just a couple of months later… there’s always something to be thankful for!
Mom and dad don’t come every day anymore. They haven’t been coming every day for a while now. Mom does help out whenever I ask her to though which still is a fair amount.
I still have the left leg pain especially around the knee. Some days it is more sensitive than others. The children have become quite used to me squalling whenever they bounce around on it. I still have the hematoma but it’s quite small and still have the bruising. Maybe I’ll have the bruising for life. 🤷🏻♀
The 18th of this month I have an appointment with Dr Sauer from KU in Wichita. We’ll see if I can get a few more answers for some of my questions.
The Twins aren’t crawling yet but they get up on their hands and knees and kind of rock a little bit like they're getting ready to rocket off. They are nearly 8 months old! How can it be?!?! They are very busy and always looking for things to get into. Kyler is always looking for a party. We say that Kyler is going to be more like Carly and Kylan and will be more like Rylan in personality. They’re really into babbling and jabbering away and they have discovered each other! Sometimes they just laugh at each other and find each other quite humorous. It’s fun watching them interact. I’m afraid to leave them alone together for very long unsupervised as I’m afraid they’ll poke the other ones eyes out or something crazy like that. They adore Carly and Rylan but Carly and Rylan aren’t quite as intrigued with them.
I’m not dealing with nightmares so much now but it does happen that if Gary tells me goodbye before he goes to work and he wakes me up that I sometimes wake up in a total panic wondering what’s wrong and what’s going on. He says I never did this before the hospital stay. So it’s a little crazy what can happen to the mind after an event like that. I know often I wake up and I’m so disoriented and I think I’m somewhere else and it takes a bit to figure out that I’m at home. I remember waking up one time in the hospital, tied to the bed rails and had the vent in so I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t move and neither could I talk. And nobody was there. So there was no help and no way to ask or get help. I begged God over and over to just get me out of that terrible situation. Words can’t explain the terror… could this be partly why I wake up in a panic? I remember complaining later to one of the doctors as to why in the world did they ever let me wake up like that?! They had some reason of they needed to see if and how much I would wake up, like it was some sort of a test. 🤷🏻♀anyways, here I am, August 2020, it’s a terribly hot day, my health has been restored back to baseline, I’m basking in the love of my family and life goes on… and it’s good!
Until next time…