I had never heard of myelodysplastic syndrome, a form of cancer, before I was diagnosed with it in March of 2018. It's a bone marrow cancer. And my particular form of MDS is related to the treatment I received for Hodgkin's Disease in the 1990s, when I was given a regimen of MOPP/ABVD chemotherapy and then radiation, to cure the cancer. Now I am preparing for a bone marrow transplant at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN. A transplant is the only cure for my disease, so there is no question in my mind this is what I'm going to do. I keep telling myself that God wouldn't have given me four beautiful grandbabies to raise if He didn't intend for me to raise them. I believe God is going to perform miracles in my life. I believe my journey and my healing are going to glorify God in every way, and I'm excited to see how He works things out. Right now I am telling myself that I am awake at 5:00 in the morning not because I am anxious but because there is so much I have to do in the next week to get ready to leave that I just can't sleep. Realistically, I'm sure it's a combination of both. Scott and I leave in eight days. I've been waiting on this trip to come, essentially since my diagnosis in March, but now that I have an actual date I must leave, it feels like there is not enough time to get ready. I've been keeping a list for a while. Don't forget this or that. Be sure to do this or that. I have this overwhelming need to get things "in order." How does one prepare to be away from home, from her children, for months? I try not to get into the cycle of feeling trapped because there is truly no other choice, so what am I feeling?
I just want the kiddos to be okay while I'm gone. Not just my babies, but my adult children as well. I feel sad for them that I will be gone for a while. I vacillate between wanting to spend every second with them before I go and wanting to keep everything as normal as possible for them. Then again, our lives changed in March of this year. We have a new normal. We're all going to be okay. Different, but okay. And I'm at peace with that.