“You don’t have a right to the cards you believe you should have been dealt.  You have an obligation to play the hell out of the ones you’re holding.”  -Cheryl Strayed

December 18, 2023

If this past year was a book, it’s title would be:  “She Decided to Stay.”  Wherein, I changed my mind about a hundred times, saged the place so much the dog started to hide under the bed when I brought out the lighter, and also wandered (my 2023 word was, indeed, Wander)  a fair bit of this country and others: Santa Fe, Florida, California, Wausau, Herbster, Door County, etc., Mazatlan, Mexico and Kerala State, India. Wherein I physically moved almost every solid thing inside the house at least three times, parting with mostly everything, raised 8 more Wyldfire pups (parting with them too, to the best families in the world), harvested our first honey and the largest and most diverse apple and pear crop this property has ever had (parting gratefully with a lot of that to the Menomonee Falls Food Pantry), ripped out all the flooring, had all the interior repainted, and have now come to a temporary truce with this homestead Corey and I shared and dreamed our dreams in, raised our dogs in for twenty years. Also, where he died and part of me did too. Work continues: it will take a while.  Things do take a while.  Always longer than I think. 

I’ve had to reassess what I can actually manage on my own.  That said, I am most certainly not “on my own” in most ways. Almost everything I do is supported by neighbors and friends, chosen and actual family. I have a spreadsheet that is shared; it's dates of “where’s Waldo (Rachel)” at any given point in time, who has Connor if I’m traveling, and contact information in case something happens to me. I got clear enough to revise my own estate plan.  It’s such a different life and it is sometimes exhausting, and lonely. But-  see above, Cheryl Strayed.  Keeping strategically busy helps.

Work I love now includes the Wyldfire Foundation, which gives Scholarships for Wausau West and Germantown High School, is funding an international community art therapy project in Tanzania this coming year, and hosting the Mighty Oak trail run at Pike Lake April 28, 2024 as an official race this year which funds conservation projects for the Kettle Moraine State Forest Alliance. One huge honor was a gift to the Foundation from Corey’s dear friend (and mine) Sarah Krebs, who ran the entire Ice Age Trail and raised over $14,000 in honor of Pancreatic Cancer Awareness (read more https://www.facebook.com/SarahsCrusade/).  I was also lucky to assist with a major gift to Froedtert and Medical College of Wisconsin to endow ongoing research for neuroendocrine pancreatic cancer, which was the rare type Corey had.  It’s beyond anything I could have imagined. People are simply incredible and I run out of words to process my life and the people I’m embraced by. There’s a part of me that knows “this could be just the beginning” of how much more good could be possible and that motivates me to hang tough, to keep going.

My trusts and estates practice keeps me connected and humbled by my clients who share their dreams and families with me.  It’s hard to describe how my practice (everyone needs an estate plan!) has deepened from what Corey and I experienced, and it is good to help others based on what I now know from life’s classroom.

I’m active with the Association of Marquette University Women, and enjoying my Board service with Bloom Art and Integrated Therapies. I’ve also applied for a Fulbright-Nehru Distinguished Scholar fellowship, which would begin in August 2025 in Kerala, India (where I now have an Aunty and Uncle, places to stay, and dear new friends). The project allows me to engage with women as change agents, making art and creating on my own and in community.  I’ll be away for about 6 months, so I’m soaking up as much of my life with Connor as I can right now and getting the house physically and metaphorically in order.

This window of time also permits me to keep traveling “big” trips. I’ll leave for another cycling trip at the end of February-  320 miles through Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam.  These trips are perfect for introverted me-  I don’t have to talk to anyone while biking! It’s warm! I can eat Asian/Indian food daily! That said, my traveling companions while in India this last trip, all from the UK originally, were extraordinary people and I found I actually wanted to spend time in their company.  I learned so much.  The world is so big and so small,  I want to keep learning.

Wyldfire Vizlas: Oh these puppies!  18 so far and more to come. Miss Ada has one more litter in her, she says, so there will be pups in Spring 2024 hopefully, with a live stud (she’s earned a slightly more complete experience, probably, so let’s hope Ralphie delivers). I’m on the board of the Central Wisconsin Vizsla Club with great people. Memorials to CVWC from Corey’s passing funded an extra K-9 Armored Vest for the Menominee tribal police.  I’m also working toward Connor’s AKC Therapy Dog title, given his 50 visits already approved during Corey’s chemotherapy– again, another seed for good planted through Corey’s final year. Connor is an extraordinary dog, my guardian angel. He reminds me that I suck at “play” and must do better. ;)  

And yes, I am still running :), building back from double setbacks in August- tick borne disease Babesia compounded by natural gas poisoning from a malfunctioning oven-  my lungs were so unhappy but I’m mending. Hoping for 100 miler #7 this year at some point, TBD and to run the Ice Age Trail 50 miler in May, and I keep finding new races. Being a Hammer Brand ambassador is so much fun in other countries!  The goofy bike bibs with the brand logo, (bright turquiose) make me look way more legit than I am, but it sure brought tons of smiles and chances to meet young people, which I loved. They blew me kisses from the sidewalks, for pete’s sake.  That felt damn good. I’m not dead yet, and am horribly vain. For domestic races, it’s not something I really intended, but when I run, I almost always end up telling people about Corey.  How he lived, much more than how he died.  This feels natural and good for me;  I am not a martyr permanently to anything I need to release, I hope, but his life and mine continue to weave forward in a new pattern.  The house, and me, find ways to transform to accommodate past, present and future.  Maybe what it means to honor and cherish is to integrate.  It’s one step at a time.  Thank you everyone for encouraging me in all the ways you do-  when I share art and travel pictures, when I need large furniture moved, when I can’t deal with Menards or 2 acres of lawn or clearing one more closet. Thanks for listening, and for telling me you care. For wordless hugs.  For understanding when I send the Auto-reply “I’m away” message, and welcoming me back when I turn it off. Thank you for enriching my life by living yours, authentically all in.  Whatever 2024 brings for you, may you play your hand to the fullest too. 

With love,

Rachel and Connor