It's now been two weeks since Grandma has entered heaven. The first few days after her passing I had such a haze around me. Not completely numb, but not completely cognizant of what was fully happening. A friend shared she thinks God designs our brains that way to protect ourselves. I think she's right. Another miraculous concept of our intelligent design.

Life has changed so much for us. We often catch ourselves tending to a former caregiving tasks that is no longer needed. It feels so strange to leave the house as a family and no pre planning is needed for a grandma sitter. Sleep has been hard to come by. At first I think our bodies had adjusted to broken sleep patterns when caring for Grandma through the night. Currently, my dreams are causing the nightly unrest. Again, everything is just so different. Change is hard.

And to add to that change is our new guest, grief. We all knew he would be coming. We even tried to prepare for his arrival. However, grief is just so unpredictable. Grief is frustrating me. I don't like change. I love check lists and processes, I want to know what to expect. I always heard of "stages of grief". Relieved, I thought oh good I can do stages. However I have found that grief and it's "stages" don't fit in a neat ordered check list. Instead we bounce around, feeling helpless when in the midst of a good day a memory pops up and that hurt and loss slam into you like a brick wall. Control is what it's really about. We are uncomfortable in this uncertainty and we grasp for control any way we can get it. But God didn't design us to be in control. We were designed to do exactly what Grandma is doing now, worshipping Him without end. While Grandma no longer feels the urge for control, I'm still struggling. But that's ok. We are learning to be comfortable being uncomfortable.
"Sometimes, in all of our efforts to control life and accomplish or works, we subtly think our success depends on ourselves. A loving Father must bring us to the edge of our own limitations, so that we can live above our mere worldly focus and become more familiar with His strength and mercy and love and ways." - Sally Clarkson, "Mom Heart Moments"