My dear friend, I miss you and am very heartbroken for you and your family. True you've been thrown in to the worst ugly club a parent could be in. I am thankful for the time you did get to have with Chandler before he was taken from your sight. As hard and gut wrenching as that is, it will remain a blessing for you. Truly it was a gift from God, and a privilege. Please quit saying you did things wrong when your mom passed. You did what you needed to and could at that time, and you did amazing. Grief work is a process, not perfection. Grief share is a wonderful program and very gentle. It will be there for you when and if you decide to give it a go. You will know when and if it's time for that. If you don't like it you can leave too. It's Ok to keep choosing things or not. Nothing is an appropriate choice at times too. Learning how to breathe again and brushing those teeth could be enough for now. You'll always have 4 kids and be a member of mom's with 3 boys club. Praying lots.
—- I ask myself, “Am I feeling what I’m supposed to feel? Am I crying enough? Too much? Should I be with people more? Less? Should I read more books on grief or just sit on the couch and be still?”——
These questions are so real when you’re grieving. Why do things like that torture us when we lose someone we love? Sometimes you even feel guilty for having a “normal” day without them.
I lost my mom very quickly when I was 25 years old. I had days where I wouldn’t even cry and I felt like an awful daughter. What discovered that I was so afraid of becoming “depressed” I never let my full emotions out when I thought of her. Or when I was mad at her, I wouldn’t let myself be mad, because how could I be mad at her when she’s gone? But, if a sad song, commercial, story, movie scene, etc.. crossed my path... I sobbed like a baby.
I never thought it would help, but talking to a complete stranger about my life and my mom allowed me to heal the most, because I didn’t have to be strong for her! I could just cry and cry and cry and she would be still and hand me a tissue. She saw me angry, bitter, sad.. a whole array of emotions, but I still felt safe because I was allowed to have those feelings and not feel judged. She encouraged me to write letters to my Mom in a journal. Personal to me. Just to say all the things I didn’t get to say to her. It helped me.
The nighttime hours are the worse. When you’re alone with your thoughts, and everything is quiet. I’m praying so hard for your heart.
Although I have not endured this kind of pain, you make so much sense Lisa. You are so real and so inspiring. There's so much love for you, I hope you know this🙏🏻❤️
You say you did everything wrong when you lost your mother and wonder if you are doing the right things now. There is no wrong in how you should live through this. Minute by minute what you need to do may change. Just living through each moment is a victory at this point. I admire your courage and hope your journaling is helping you navigate through the most difficult thing any mother can imagine !
yes you do. and you are. one step at a time. regardless of direction ( is that even a thing? stepping back or forwards in grief...I don't know). you are mindful, intentional, loving, honest......you are finite and feeling all the feels. no right or wrong here - even in processing. Everyone SO different. My biggest encouragement to you would be : no fear. No fear in getting it right or getting it "wrong" ........ step by step......for sure. With you, friend.