Ceska’s Story

Site created on November 9, 2019

Welcome to Ceska's CaringBridge website. This will make it easier to keep Team sucCESs updated on this journey to healing. Please continue to send me any questions, jokes, etc.,  via text. I greatly appreciate your support and words of hope and encouragement. Thank you for visiting!

Newest Update

Journal entry by Ceska Sutton

...and it has almost been an entire season! I hope you have all had wonderful, safe and fun summers so far. I can't believe it's nearly fall. Hell, if we blink it will be 2022! What is crazy is the 2nd anniversary of my bilateral bye-bye was July 24th. TWO YEARS! But, it doesn't feel like it's been that long. 

Although some of the scars are finally starting to fade, the nerve regeneration and pains continue. It STILL feels like I'm wearing and invisible iron bra and belt. I kid you not, there are moments during the day, and sometimes at night, when I reach under my shirt to unhook or loosen a strap - and there is nothing there to remove. The feeling just does not stop. I've been trying to adjust to that "new normal" for two years now, and I don't think it'll ever feel right again.

My skin is still super sensitive, and I've continued to give away clothes that are made of materials that were once just fine, but now feel like sandpaper. It is nice to purge things, but it can get a little depressing too. I have to tell myself, "that shirt won't miss you, so don't be so sad," but it doesn't always help. Perhaps, one day, I will find some kind of joy in going shopping for new clothes, made out of buttery soft materials.

I know you have been wondering, did I start therapy or not? Yes. I did. And it has been going well. I’ve learned that I have been having flashbacks and have been reliving painful, traumatic moments, and I have also learned how to breathe through those moments, and even learn when a moment is about to hit, and how to make it not send me into a tailspin.

 

It’s ok and normal to have the moments I have. A lot of it is brought on by my perpetual state of being uncomfortable and sometimes in pain. I have learned to build up my natural pain-fighting serotonin - by doing things that make me happy! Seems like that is something that would be innate, but it isn’t. I have let stress take over and now I’m more aware and vigilant in making things not as stressful and taking time to step back, breathe, and do what I can do, and let things just be. Not everything is going to be finished, not everything is going to be perfect. I do what I can, when I can, and I take “me time” when I need it. I will tell you that doing that is not always easy, but I’m getting better at it.

 

The flashbacks have been occurring less frequently over the last month, but every now and then one will wake me up, or cause me to look like I’m having a nightmare. Todd & Izzy have witnessed me having one of these “bad dreams” and have hugged on me until I wake up, usually in tears. I think these are triggered by pains I get when I am sleeping in the bed. You read that right. Sleeping in the bed! I’ve been doing it, but it is not comfortable. Still. Not. Comfortable. But I’m determined to make it so. And I’ll just deal with the fallout as it comes. Izzy sleeps right next to me, and often falls asleep holding my hand, so that is something that is worth it. Pains be damned!

 

Well, it is now late and I need to sleep. I’ve got an early session in the morning. 6am! I walk and talk during the therapy sessions. The therapist walks too. It’s a great way to get the exercise that I need and it helps give me a great start to my day.

 

Until next time… Which I hope won’t be too long. I say that, and then I’ll blink and we will be singing Christmas carols! LOL

 

Please stay safe, y’all! 😘 

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