One year ago tomorrow, was the last "normal" day of my life.  December 23, 2020, our world was absolutely rocked.  You often hear when people get bad news that everything becomes a blur.  It's probably because of my type A personality but I remember that day with alarming clarity...

I remember right where I was standing in operating room #4 when Brooke called and told me she was getting some tests because she had some "lesions" on her liver.  I remember the CT tech who was standing right next to when I stood in the room and scrolled through her images and thought "what the F*** is that, holy s***, no way, that can't be right."  I remember exactly in which room I stood in in urgent care when the provider said, "you have some concerning lesions on your CT scan for mets."  and I remember the look Brooke and Lee gave me when she left the room and they asked me what that meant.  I remember the absolute stomach drop feeling when I had to say to them, "they think you have cancer and it has spread."  I remember which nurse caught me absolutely sobbing in the back hallway later that afternoon.  It's with extreme clarity that I remember it all...the fear, the uncertainty, the sadness... all things I'd like to forget.

But...I also remember how strong Brooke was... I can only hope for a fraction of her strength.  Through the entire 10 months, she fought.  Brooke was a badass.  I will certainly be telling Gracyn and Garth how crazy amazing their mom was.  Where as I would have had my pity pants on and been a puddle on the floor, Brooke persevered.  Always telling Lee, "we got this."  I will never forgot Brooke's fortitude, bravery, or courage...

This week is going to suck... no doubt about it.  Not only is it the anniversary of Brooke's diagnosis but also Christmas week.  We are still mourning.  It's only been 3 months, today, that Brooke passed and wounds are still wide open.  It's going to be hard...but we will conjure up some of Brooke's strength and will be persevere.  We just miss her so freaking much.  

I guess the reason for this entry is two fold...

The first is to remember Brooke and remember her strength and our love for her.   

The second is remind you that this is the one life we get.  Last year, we had no idea it would be Brooke's last Christmas. We never know when our time will be over...do what makes you happy.  Brooke did.   She loved her family, baking, her job, playing volleyball... I am trying to honor Brooke with how I am living my life.  

There are so many sayings/quotes out there to remind us of our mortality.  "Life is short." etc...

But I think my absolute favorite is from the Red Hot Chili Peppers song Can't Stop... "this life is more than just a read through"