Hello Everyone!

It has been such a long time since I have updated you guys. Honestly, life has felt so busy and I kept saying to myself that I needed to post an update, but I just never got around to it. I truly have wanted to provide an update to you all and today is my birthday so I figured it was a good day to do so!!

This may be lengthy to cover the last several months, but I will try to keep it as concise as possible. As most of you know, I did finish my last treatment on July 9, 2021. We always have a big 4th of July celebration at Andrew's parents house and they surprised me with a celebration of finishing treatment. We had shirts that said "Red White Blue and Through" with the July 9th date on them. This brought me to tears and they truly surprised me. Every time I wear that t-shirt, I think about what it symbolizes. That was a special day for sure. I will attach some pictures with everyone in their shirts. 

I have since had a clear scan and will not have another until May of next year unless symptoms show a need for one. I also had a checkup on November 16th and it went well. Part of me is so so thankful for no scans for a while and fewer doctor appointments, the other part is scared to death. The regular appointments help put my mind at ease so the longer gaps in between make it harder.  I never realized the mental impact all of this would have on me. I truly thought I would get well, put this behind me and move on with life as usual...that has been far from the reality of it. 

Throughout my sickness, I shared my journey with you all and how truly at peace I felt and how I was doing really well most days. I was very honest with you all and God's grace and peace amazed me at how well my family and I were able to handle it all. He truly showed out and with all of your prayers got us through the hardest thing me and my little family have ever been through.  I never realized some of the hardest parts would come after I was well. I never realized that every single ache or pain could trigger a PTSD type response, sometimes a panic attack of sorts. I never realized that the fear and worry would be so overwhelming. These are the things you don't really think about when you are going through treatment. You have a goal, you have to do these 12 treatments and have scans and hope to get get well. Once that is over, and you are well (Praise God) you do NOTHING. You wait, you have 3 month check ups and you watch for symptoms. Wow, how hard this part has been for me.  My doctor explained that these are all very normal feelings and a lot of his younger patients have these same problems. He said something that stuck with me since my last talk with him and I have been focusing on that since. He said "The cancer is gone, now it is time to start healing." This led to the title of my blog, so I will give Dr. Goyal all the credit for that one. 

That really hit me in the gut. I thought I am well, why am I being so crazy to not just let this go and be happy. I thought I am fine, I don't need any more help.  I am always a go getter, fixer, do-it-myselfer and I quickly realized, just like getting rid of the cancer, I can't do this part on my own either. Granted I have an army of wonderful family and friends surrounding me, I realized a counselor or therapist may be something I need. This is such a taboo topic, but mental health is so important. I just felt like I should share because even though God truly carried me through this journey and it may have even seemed easy (it wasn't at all), there is still a lot of work to be done to get where I need to be. I won't dwell on this and overall I truly am doing really well, but I do think it is a part of what I am learning through all of this and something I can share with others to show there is still more God can teach us even when we think a chapter is over.

I think approaching the one year anniversary of my diagnosis is triggering a lot for me as well. This is my favorite time of year. I love Christmas, celebrating Jesus, telling my children about him and seeing the magic of Christmas in their eyes. Last year, pretty much all of that joy was stolen. I had thoughts of what if this is my last Christmas, what if Ali never sees her first Christmas. That sounds terrible, but it is the reality of what was going on in my head. It was before we knew an exact plan or treatment and my mind was thinking the worst. Here we are nearly a year later, today I am celebrating my 32nd birthday and I have never been so happy to celebrate that. We are going to celebrate Lawson's 4th Christmas and Ali's 1st Christmas and it really is very emotional for me. Being alive and healthy with both of my children here and healthy to celebrate Christmas is something that seemed so far away last December.  I decorated early this year and have truly wanted to soak in this time. Last year, I was so sick I barely felt like doing any of it, so this year I will savor every moment and every day I feel well. I am learning every day to live a new normal of sorts. I want to be aware of my body so I can get to the doctor if necessary, but I have decided I refuse to let this fear overcome me and steal my joy. This is such a special Christmas for me and my little family and I am so so thankful to be here. 

Ali has decided mommy has to be done for today so I will stop here. I feel I will have more to share with you all in the future. 

All of your prayers have been so felt and appreciated and I love you all so much. God is so good. Hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Here is to a wonderful 2022!

P.S. It only let's me add 5 pictures! I have so many more that all of you sent me!